Looking Forward

WOW....with a capital W.O.W!

2008-03-26T14:10:00.003-05:00

This performance blew me away last night.........

He may just win it and I'm okay with that!

Indescribable

2008-03-13T22:00:00.004-05:00

This is fast becoming my favorite song. How Great is Our God has had that top honor, but Indescribable is taking over.

We sang it in Celebrate Recovery tonight and it struck me deeper because of the venue in which it was sung. A place in which He can truly show how amazing He is. That one line of "You know the depths of my heart and You love me the same" makes me want to drop to my knees and never get up.

Enjoy.

Balancing Act

2008-03-07T06:59:00.002-06:00

Life has become one huge balancing act for me! Obviously, which you can tell from the lack of writing in this blog! (I wonder if I even have any readers left!) Trying to keep it all together has become my daily prayer instead of an action of becoming more organized. I don't think all the organization in the world is going to make a difference right now!

I'm working two jobs, both of which I love. My new one (Pitney Bowes) is turning into a challenge of stuffing so much knowledge in my brain that I worry about an explosion any minute! I'm on my fourth week and I haven't even begin to understand or know it all. For goodness sake, I even have to learn the rules and regulations of the United States Post Office! I'm told it will take about a year for the light bulb to go off and I can then say......oh yeah I get it now! Believe me, I'm not complaining, I do love it so far. I was able to go out on my own in the field and visit customers this week. It was so much fun and far different than Real Estate and I got to be in my great hometown of Frisco. I am so happy to have this city as my main territory!

I am still working at Victoria's Secret part time, I have to with being out of work for so long. The bills piled up and need some attention and working 10-12 hours a week help. Not complaining again (ok, sometimes I do!) I love it there and it's so much fun. Not to mention in the last two weeks we have gotten a free $45 bra, a free mascara and two free bottles of lotion! Anytime they come up with something new we get it to try! Gotta love that! On a side note......I really struggled when I had to choose between a management position here and the job at Pitney Bowes. There was a lot of praying that went on for that decision!

Taking care of Nick full time has been WONDERFUL but challenging at the same time. I had gotten used to eating PB&J's on the nights I didn't have him and now I have to cook something! That hasn't been the true challenge, just an added chore. The challenge has been to work really hard at being both a mother and father to him. His dad hasn't had much place in his life over the last three months, so I have had to pick up the slack. All the while, I know that no matter how hard I try to be everything to him, I fail because ultimately he needs and wants his father. It leaves a huge sense of responsibility on my shoulders and I have given up most of any kind of social life to be with him and it's leaving me out of touch with the adult world. Thank God, for my church activities or I would probably resort to becoming 13 again and feeling as if my whole life is video games and Debbie cakes! We have grown closer than ever before and I love the fact that he trusts in me so much. I think we are on the way to fixing the problems with his dad and hopefully things will be changing for the better (for Nick) in the near future.

As mentioned in the above paragraph, church activities have been a big part of my life. I attend Celebrate Recovery twice a week and it has been a challenging journey for me to say the least. Confrontation with the past, with my hurts and hangups has taken some energy out of me. Ultimately I know it's for the good, because there is healing involved, but bringing up memories of my childhood and telling them to a group of people has at times seemed like more than I could handle. Everyone in the group is so supportive though and have passed no judgment on mistakes I have made in my life because of the past and thank God no one passing judgment on my salvation because I haven't gotten over the past yet! Healing is just around the corner.....I can feel it!

I also have been taking more of a leadership role in our Singles Ministry at church. I have had the privilege of being able to teach again and can I just say, how awesome that is! What a blessing these people have been in my life! We have grown so much in just the last three months and I am amazed at what God is doing in the group. What started out as about 5 of us meeting on a regular basis and calling ourselves the "single group" is now a full blown "Singles Ministry" with around 15 of us on a regular basis, with new ones coming every week. The pastors of our church have really been supportive of our desire to have this as a intricate part of PTCC and therefore we are no longer a group but a ministry! God is so good and I trust in Him to grow us more in numbers and in our relationship with each other and with Him.

So there you have it, my life and my attempt at balancing it all. Two jobs, full time mom and dad, in depth therapy for healing and a leadership role all call me to live out my life so others can see that I truly live out Phillipians 4:13...............

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"

Introducing........

2008-02-11T06:59:00.000-06:00

Introducing the newest sales rep for Pitney Bowes, handling the Frisco area............yes, that's right, ME!

Starting a new business journey tomorrow and a whole new discovery of God's will for my life.

Anyone need a postage meter let me know!

What did you do on New Years....

2008-01-03T06:02:00.000-06:00

Yep, the new year started out great! It was a wonderful, fulfilling day. Relaxing, joyful and a good start to the new year.

I started out by sleeping in till 7:45 (for those who know me know this is late for me!)! Made a big breakfast for Nick and I. We went to a movie. Made brownies for dinner at a friends. Went to said friends house and had a wonderful homemade dinner, surrounded by awesome people I get to call friends. Played a game. Laughed till my sides hurt. Undressed and redressed Darla (more on that later). Oh yeah, and I threw three legged men at the ceiling........

I'll let you figure that one out! :)

So true.............

2008-01-02T06:48:00.000-06:00

And so appropriate to go along with my post yesterday.

"Comfort is a good state in which to find rest, renewal and refuge for a while. It is a dreary and dismal place to take up permanent residence.

The reason life can be so rich is precisely because it can be so difficult. You cannot possibly appreciate or fully benefit from the good things if you have no experience with the bad things."

Ralph Martson

Standing Tall

2008-01-01T08:36:00.000-06:00

January 1, 2008.....a new year. It's hard to believe. Over the last few days I have reflected back on 2007 and most of the memories are sad and I have to say I'm glad it's over! It was a hard year......the hardest I think I have ever been through. So many major changes, ones that I honestly didn't see coming or believed I would ever make. But there has been some good times in between the hard times and I'm thankful for that, or I don't think I would have made it through it!

2007 in review goes something like this:

Let's start with some of the major changes this year since both of them turned my world topsy turvy for awhile! I left a church that I was a member of for three and a half years. One that I was intricately involved in. One where I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It was my comfort zone a place up until the last four months of attending that I felt safe and at home. God had other plans and in June I left. It was a hard road for about three months visiting churches, trying to figure out where God wanted me.....although I have to say that I never doubted the road I was on. I was closer to him than ever before and I didn't care where it lead me. See.....He wanted me out of a building and a body that I had made my comfort zone and safe place and into HIS arms of comfort and safety. He wanted me to Himself. I felt blessed to be wanted like that. Don't get me wrong there were times I missed the comfort of my past home, but I never once looked back.

Ahhhh.....now let's talk about the true place of faith He wanted to take me on and is still taking me! After almost five years of a Real Estate career, I left. I left with no other job, with no promise of another job. I felt the calling back in September but it took me a few weeks to put the calling into action (I have a habit of doing that)! I had confirmation after confirmation until one day out of the blue, I quit. Once again I was on a road I hadn't plan on being on and this time doubt crept in every chance it could....fear too. It has been the biggest battle of trust in God's provision and although things are financially spiraling out of control, I have food on the table and a roof over my head and for this I must be thankful. He has a plan and I'm trusting it's a good one.

With the major changes came hurt like I have never felt before. I was so deeply hurt by someone that at times I didn't know how to handle it and would often find myself in the closet crying out to God for relief. It was a physical ache inside my heart and I couldn't shake it for a long time. I told a friend that the hurt and pain it caused was worse than when I went through a divorce......because with the divorce I knew for a long time it was coming, but with this hurt I hadn't seen it coming at all. I still to this day don't know why they had to say the things they did or treated me the way they did. This was someone I trusted with everything I had. I know now I didn't deserve it although at first I thought I must have because there is no way they would have said it otherwise. I was also hurt when I finally had to realize that my value to some people was based on where I attended church and not on who I was as a person. Dealing with that was not fun. But once again God was calling me to Himself. Calling me to trust in Him first and everything else will follow.

I could go on and on with hurt caused by my own mother, people I used to work with, my ex-husband, my oldest son, but I not looking to write a novel and I don't want to send anyone off to la-la land! Just know that it's been a year of having broken dreams and more than once a broken heart.

There has been blessings this year, I don't want you to think I'm a drama queen with only bad news to report!

I found a great new church with a group of people that fits me and I fit them. There is such a level of maturity there and I count it a blessing to be a part of it. I am slowly getting involved, but most of all having fun while drawing closer to God!

I have made a lot of new friends some of them are as crazy I am and there has been so much laughter! As we sat together at our Christmas eve service I felt once again safe with this part of my life and I know God has great plans for our group. There has also been re-connection with old friends that have added a new layer of love and acceptance around my heart.

I now unofficially (still working out the details) have full custody of Nick. Although this produces huge joy in my life it is also a cause of pain. Pain that his father has chosen someone else over his own son and is willing to give him up. It was ultimately Nicks decision,,,,he said it was too negative and depressing at his dad's.....but his dad went along with it so easily. I know what it's like to have a parent choose their own selfishness over their own child and it pains me that Nick will have to experience it. I hope that I can bring something to his life that he will know that he is loved unconditionally. It will be good bringing him up full time in a Christian home, where God reigns!

I thought of titling this post "2007 in Review", but felt like the current title seemed more appropriate. I'm still standing tall despite a year of trusting like I have never trusted before. A year of extreme obedience even when I couldn't fathom the reason why! But most of all it's been a year of growth, a year of experiencing God in deeper ways. A year of finding what I am truly made of. A year of unparalleled strength and perserverence. A year of shedding old clothes of comfort and safety and donning clothes of trust, faith and patience.

So, I guess you could say it's been the best year of my life.

who would have thought.........

2007-12-29T07:27:00.000-06:00

ENFJ - The "Mentor"

ENFJs are externally focused, introspective, altruistic, positive and have excellent people skills. They place utmost importance on helping others grow. They are warm and have a natural desire to be supportive and encouraging. Being charismatic and posessing excellent language skills, they do well in leadership roles. ENFJs strive to enhance the lives of their human brethren.

Me......I'm extraverted?!?! :)

Blessings Abound

2007-12-19T17:30:00.000-06:00

I tell you I am amazed once again at the loving kindness of people in my life these days. I have received four invitations to Christmas this year! When normally this is the time of the year that is considered "family" time, people have opened their hearts and homes to me. One of the invitations comes from someone I am just getting to know in my Celebrate Recovery group and it amazes me even though she knows all my "past stuff" she was so excited to invite me to spend the holidays with her family. It's the year without the boys, so it means especially a lot to be inluded. They are going with their father to his mom's....it's the first Christmas without their PawPaw and they want to be there for their Granny. It makes my heart glad that Nick is worried about her. He is such another one of my greatest blessings.

I am having my annual breakfast again this year and I am blessed that I have friends to attend. I started the tradition last year and hope to continue it for a long time! Not sure how many are coming, but it's basically people like me that have no family here and have no one to spend Christmas with. The menu is Belgin waffles with your choice of strawberries and whipped cream or syrup, Bacon, sausage, breakfast casserole, biscuits, muffins (a new addition this year) and the ever famous Monkey Bread! Of course we will have coffee and mimosa's. If you have no place to go, ya'll come on over. There is always a place at my table for you.

I have also been blessed by the outpouring of prayers and promise of prayers from people over my job search. This morning I emailed my completed resume out to a large group of friends in my sphere and heard back from almost half of them already, all of them responding that they would pray for me and some had already forwarded my resume off to other people they knew! With all the prayer lines open, I know things will happen soon. Great is His faithfulness!!

My part time job (which is starting to turn into a full time lately!) at Victoria's Secret is really a blessing too! I am having so much fun! And they love me there! I had lunch with the store manager today and she wants me to stay on after the Holidays, she loves the fact that I am so high energy (I told her she has never seen me at home dead on the couch :) ) and my enthusiasm with the customers. She especially likes my ability to get people to buy more stuff then they normally would have! I just laugh and say thank you all the while thinking......if I can sell half million dollar houses, I can sell a person a few panties! She asked me today if I had any complaints and when I said no I once again endured myself to her. She told me it seems like everyone there has complaints and I told her it's probably the age difference between me and the "others"......some of them are younger than Andrew!

Once again I write of blessings and once again it brings me to a place of thankfulness for all that God has done in my life.

There truly is joy in the journey. You just have to be thankful.

You Wait

2007-12-17T15:11:00.000-06:00

What do you do when you know you've heard from God, you have obeyed him, you have stepped out of the comfort zone of the boat to walk on the water and yet the storms continue to blow, the waves crash and you wonder if you even know what a freakin comfort zone is anymore? What do you do when you wonder if you heard right, even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you did? What do you do when you wonder where is the blessing from the obedience? What do you do when it seems like God is silent and far away?

You wait.
And in your waiting you trust.
And in your trusting you grow your faith.
And in your growing of faith you develop a ministry.
And in that ministry you bless others that are on the verge of stepping out of the boat.

But most of all with a big sigh.......you wait.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Waiting on Wings

2007-11-30T12:16:00.000-06:00

Today a good and beautiful friend emailed me and asked me to pray for her, she was overwhelmed and wanted to run away. At the same time the old hymn "I'll Fly Away" was playing on the music station I had the TV on and all I could think of is that one day we WILL be able to run away from it all with a brand new set of wings!

How glorious that will be!

what's wrong with this picture

2007-11-29T10:59:00.000-06:00

Last night I lay awake after going to bed thinking of a conversation I had had with a friend earlier in the day. She told me about a conversation she had with someone while discussing the life of a family member and what that person said shocks me so much. This person of leadership in a church said to my friend "Well you know she (the family member being discussed) would never be able to go to our church because she has too much baggage and would never find a good guy that would be able to deal with it all, after all she has.................." (that may not be word for word, but it the basics, I left out some for privacy)

Where are we heading when a church can't except someone and their baggage?! Where are we heading when people are judged according to past mistakes and deemed unworthy of attending a certain church or unworthy of a good man/woman because we have done some things we aren't so proud of? It that's true than NONE of us are worthy. We have all done things that some could see deems us unworthy of love and acceptance. But, the beauty of it is that it is where we admit our unworthiness that God's salvation is realized in our life. It is only in our depraved lives that His grace can be given. It's not given to the perfect, to the non-sinner, the people without past, the people without mistakes......we wouldn't need Him. It makes me sad that a church/believer doesn't model our Christ. It's what we are called to do....dang it!

I have been attending on Friday nights a program called Celebrate Recovery and every one of those nights people in my group pour out their hurts, their habits and hangups. These are people who have suffered unimaginable things. People who are dealing with addictions or spouses with addictions and are there to find help, to find healing. It's true that sometimes I want to shut my ears to their pain, tune out their voices, avert my eyes from their "sins"......it's hard to hear, you don't know how to deal with what they are telling you. You realize some of their pain as your own pain and you want to run from it as fast as you can. But, instead I sit there, I listen, I learn and I take it with me when I leave. Those people need someone to listen, they need to vent, they need sympathy. What they don't need is someone telling them they don't belong, they have too much baggage, they need to just get over it or that people are burnt out on them.......

Would I, as a single woman ever think of marring someone that has some big mistakes in their past or isn't free of baggage..........YES! Because he will need to also accept mine. Besides who ever God has for me, regardless of their past or present is the very best person for me.

Model Christ in your life and church today. Embrace compassion.

When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick." But go and learn what this means: 'I DESIRE COMPASSION, AND NOT SACRIFICE,' for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Matt. 9:11-13)

Baking Fixation

2007-11-27T11:46:00.000-06:00

Lately I have had a need to bake. I've never been one to bake but I have had this fixation on baking for the last couple weeks. I have had to curb the need because there isn't enough people to eat everything I want to make!

I'm going to visit an old friend tomorrow morning at her house for coffee....so that gave me a good excuse to make homemade cookies to bring. I just put my last batch of my famous spice cookies in the oven....they are so yummy! And the recipe makes about 15 dozen, so there is enough to bring and for me to eat with a big glass of milk.

If only now I had a reason to make the cake I saw on Everyday Italian on the Food Network yesterday. I am dying to make it!

This Girl is Blessed!

2007-11-22T08:04:00.000-06:00

It seems kinda corny to write a post on being thankful on Thanksgiving so if you will be patient with my corniness I would love to tell you of God's blessings .

It's been a hard year, one of the hardest I have ever been through. Changes I NEVER thought I would have to make, financial difficulties, family difficulties, loss of good friends are just a few of the things I have had to battle. Yet, there has remained one constant in my life, Christ. No matter how hard things have gotten He has remained with me. I felt Him as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. I thought about how by His grace I am alive and free. As I lay there I thought about all the things I had to be thankful for......a roof over my head, good health, a 13 year old laying beside me (he came and got in my bed at 5:30 this morning, he does that sometimes and I still love it!) shoes on my feet, and clothes on my back. For a moment there the negatives tried to intercede and make their presence know but I chose to ignore them for the day. God is good and He stays constant even when life is swirling out of control. That is something to be thankful for!

I received five invitations to Thanksgiving this year! Five! I don't think I have ever received that many before and it makes me feel so wanted and blessed. One was received from an old friend from work, one from a new friend I met at work, one from a friend at my new church and two from friends from my old church. All of them made absolute sure that I was not only welcomed but truly wanted. All of them are beautiful people and choose to model Christ by making sure that although I am not family by human blood we are by His blood. I have to especially send thanks out to my friends from my old church. When they could have given up on me even after the times I have cried on their shoulders or complained about life they have never burned out and they still see me as someone worth being around. And they really don't care what church I go to, they just care about me! They truly exemplify what it means to be like Christ. One of them said to me "Sonya, we just love to hang out with you dear". Thanks friend! I feel the same about you!

As the year draws to a close and I begin to reflect on it I realize despite the difficulties I have endured I am still standing strong. But only through God's grace can I say that.

This girl is blessed! Sing Praise!

The Street Cleaner

2007-11-20T07:41:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in awhile, mainly because everything has changed in my life AGAIN and I have been keeping it between God and some close friends. But yesterday while out running I got a inspiration for a post and couldn't get it out of my mind till I wrote it. I have to say that I can sometimes get thoughts or inspirations on life in some of the weirdest ways....a street cleaner no less!

I was out running on the sidewalk alongside a pretty busy street outside my neighborhood which part of the street only allows each way one lane. There was one of those big street cleaners moving along with it's big brushes doing it best to clean up the streets in town. But the most interesting part wasn't the street cleaner itself but the long line of cars behind it. Street cleaners don't move very fast. They can't, they have to move slowly to make sure they get the job done correctly, make sure the big brushes get into every spot that it can. As I ran I could almost feel the frustration and impatience of the people in each car because they were stuck behind it. I could only imagine some of the not so nice words that were coming out of their mouths due to that frustration! You know what I mean, we've all said them or thought them! Anyway, everyone finally reached the part of the road that opened up to two lanes and once they were able, the long line of cars whizzed by the street cleaner and hurried on their way.

I thought to myself how much of a parallel you could draw between the street cleaner and God and the long line of cars as our fellow believers in Christ. God is constantly cleaning our lives with his big brushes, sweeping away the dirt and grim that dirties our lives and the trash thrown by others in days gone past that hinder the beauty he knows that is within. He doesn't go fast, he takes his time. He goes slowly, making sure he gets every spot. But sadly along the way of God cleaning our lives we encounter those Christians that grow frustrated and impatient with us because we are not clean yet or we haven't gotten rid of the debris from the past yet. I've encountered this myself and was told things like "you should be over the past by now" and " you haven't shown enough fruit in your life" and all the while my salvation was in question because this was the way they judged it by how fast I was going on the road. With all their theology and wisdom I think they forgot that I wasn't the street cleaner doing the cleaning but that God was and His timing is never anyone else's timing. God knows that 38 years of a life spent without Him in it, with so much hurt, grim, dust and sin in it was going to take more than 3 years to clean it out. It was going to take a lifetime. He was going slowly making sure He didn't leave a spot missed. Yes, sometimes it was through fault of my own that He had to go even slower because I was being stubborn and refusing to let Him into some of the corners, but He never stopped, He never gave up. He would just slow down, unhindered by the long line of people behind me and would take His loving hands and reach in and little by little clean out those stubborn corners. My past was not easy and it's taking God extra time than it may with others to rid me of some of the pain that it caused. I'm not angry with these people just sad that their compassion for a fellow Christian reached an impatient point and enticed them to judge my salvation based on my how fast I was growing. No amount of scriptures will support that our salvation is based on or gained by how much fruit we have shown in our lives. Salvation is free. It was paid for on the Cross. And no amount of scriptures will support that there is a certain timetable as to how fast a persons life bares fruit. And before you twist it around and say that it is by our fruit that our salvation is known check out what the fruits of the spirit are.....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control and hold them up to the life you are judging and see how many of them are apparent in them. I myself know that I have modeled love, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control since becoming saved by God's grace. Him and I are still working on the joy, peace and patience fruits! But I have to believe that having the majority of them is definitely showing some "fruits in my life"!

So the next time you think of judging a person based on what you perceive as how fast they should be growing I hope you will think of this post. I talked recently with someone that was also hurt by some lack of compassionate words because they also weren't where someone thought they should be and now that person has little desire to attend church. I am so grateful that my love for God and my faith in Him is stronger than my faith in anyone else's ideas of me or thoughts of me. Remember God is the cleaner of others lives and He will take as long as is necessary, totally unaware of the long line of impatient people wanting us to go faster. Remember too, God is the gardner and with patience He cultivates our soul and tends to our hearts and waits for us to grow into the beautiful person that He knows us to be. Don't grow impatient, sometime it takes longer than it did for you or for someone else you know. Don't give up and miss out on the things God can do in the blink of an eye in someones life. I've grown tremendously in the last several months and I can see the beauty that is coming from God's patience in "street cleaning" my life. He has reached areas of my heart that I have kept guarded and is cleaning it out and making me free!

And the next time you get stuck behind an actual street cleaner take some time to think about what he is doing for the town you live in. Don't get impatient and take it for granted. Someone cares enough to tend to the town you live in and to make it as beautiful as he can.

And remember.............For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)

The Fog

2007-10-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

This morning while driving to work it was really foggy outside. I kept trying to look ahead through the fog to make sure there were no dangers or things to avoid but I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me and it was kind of scary. But as I kept driving, I realized that whatever part of the road I was on was clear and as long as I stayed focused on that part I would be ok. The fog didn't affect the place I was at, it was behind me and before me but the point I was at was clear.

It had me thinking isn't this what faith in God is like? There are a lot of times in life when you can't see more than just a few feet in front of you and yet if you are like me, you still try to look ahead and see further into the future and all you see is fog. Or, when you look behind you into the past and all you see is fog. Faith is being able to live in the here and now....the spot where it is clear for the moment despite the troubles and adversities surrounding you. Faith is NOT straining to see into the distance or fearing the dangers that may be lurking there, but allowing God to worry about the road ahead. Faith is giving him the past and allowing him to make good from it.

I'm thankful for the fog this morning it gave me a fresh perspective on faith and it gave new meaning to the scripture in Matthew that I've read a hundred times......"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matt. 6:34)

The fog doesn't scare me anymore, just as the future doesn't. God is in control.

A Mountain to move a mustard seed

2007-10-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

It says in Matthew 17:20 .... "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." This morning while praying this scripture came to my mind and I told God that I felt like He was calling me to have faith the size of a mountain instead of a mustard seed in a very specific area of my life. I KNOW I have faith the size of a mustard seed, yet the mountain has not moved.

I also KNOW that God revealed to me and confirmed it that some changes will take place that will help improve that area, but as each day passes and no doors are opening it gets harder and harder to hold onto that promise. I think He is calling me to a stronger measure of faith. So, today I am praying for an extra dose of faith......a mountain of faith to move a mustard seed.

Although I do believe in His promise, I pray this prayer........

"I do believe; help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

New Again

2007-10-07T08:08:00.001-05:00

Shout Out

2007-10-05T08:28:00.000-05:00

I wanted to send a special shout out to the PTCC (Preston Trail Community Church) Singles group. This group of people are absolutely amazing! It's a small group, they are just starting out but each of them are so warm and loving I am sure it will grow in no time.

This is the first time since becoming a Christian that I have had kindred friends. After losing so many wonderful friends when I left my last church I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to find new ones and fill the void. Now, here I am a whole new set of friends....not better, just different. About ninety percent of them are walking the same road as I am, divorced, raising children on their own, dealing with ex's and finding authentic fellowship with God and each other in what seems like a couples world(and let's not forget sitting through a marriage series at church!). It's always amazing when God gives you just what you need, just when you need it. A set of friends in the beginning of your walk that will hold your hand and lead you to maturity and then a set of friends that you can take what you've learned and now walk alongside.

The PTCC singles have a strong desire to grow in God and to develop strong relationships with each other. We are currently doing a study of "Who is in your five?" a study on authentic fellowship. It's been fun learning the different personalities of each other.

So.....thanks to all of you for your acceptance into the group, your loyalty, your love and your warm hugs. And, let's not forget the laughter that makes you choke and water come out of your nose! I don't think I have laughed as much as I have with this group. Thanks for your prayers as I search the path for the new journey God revealed to me. Thanks Tony and Sandy for leading the group. Thanks for coming and finding me when I strayed away and bringing me back. I was told that if I ever left again that I would be hunted down and brought back. It's cool I've never had a "stalker" before! :)

I look forward to seeing what God has for the group!

Excitement

2007-09-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

GOD IS WORKING!!!! Some things have been happening for the last couple of weeks that I know that God is working on some things in my life! When you pray for confirmation and it comes in just the way you have asked (even though you didn't believe it would) then there is no denying God's will is happening!

I am so excited! I'm so excited to see what he has planned!!

As a Child

2007-09-18T21:16:00.001-05:00

Lately I have really been focusing on the "Father" title that we give God. We are taught and told in the Bible that He is our Father, but this concept is something hard for me to grasp. I grew up without a father. I never knew him, I don't even know his name. I know I have one, after all I am alive and with science and all you can definitely deduce that I have one. I haven't had many good role models either to help me with this concept. Even my children's own father leaves a lot to be desired in his relationship with them.

Recently I was discussing this very issue with a friend that also grew up without a father and he told me he has gone through the learning process of seeing God as a Father figure. All of you out there that have fathers will never understand how hard this can be. What do we have to go off of? Who do we have that we can compare too....even the tiniest comparison? What does the word "father" even mean?

I've been really searching this out, praying that God will show me what a father looks like. What does having a caring father feel like? I trust God, more now than I ever have and I rely on him more that I ever had. There is so many ways that I see Him, but I want to break it down, I want to know Him as a father.

My friend told me that he has learned to break it down by coming to Him as a child. Visualizing himself walking up to Him, crawling into His lap and putting his arms around His neck just like our children do to us.

I have stolen this vision.....I don't think my friend will mind. I am coming to him just as a child would. I crawl up into his lap, I tell Him my hurts, my dreams, my plans (that always gets a laugh from Him) my needs, my sins (which He always forgives) but most of all I tell Him of my love for Him and how much He means to me. I have also begun to give me a more childlike name......daddy. Right now father sounds very formidable and stern. I'm starting from the beginning, the basics, as the smallest child, just like when my children used the word daddy when they talked to their father when they were still little (they now call him dad, a product of getting older. I hated it when they started calling me mom instead of mommy!!)

Childlike. I think this is my road I must take to seeing him as a Father. Even the Bible tells me to come to Him as a child.

People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:13-16

Quote of the Day

2007-09-14T09:09:00.000-05:00

I heard this the other day and it has stuck with me.

Make the least of all that goes and the most of all that comes.

Chance Meeting?

2007-09-13T08:02:00.000-05:00

Ever have those times when something happens that you KNOW was orchestrated by God? You sit in awe at all the "coincidence's" that bring you to a place that when you really look at them you know it wasn't coincidence's after all, but steps directly ordained by God. Yesterday this happened to me and someone else.

Over the last couple of days I have really been looking at my selfish nature, the me, me, me complex (you know you relate, because we all have it!) and I had been asking God to make me more aware of others and their needs. Yesterday morning specifically I prayed for someone I could help, someone I could pray for. I had the day off and decided to make a trip to the library. Now mind you, I hadn't been to the Frisco library since moving here in '98 and I had this bright idea to go and get a library card. I had been thinking about doing it all summer but always put it off, so yesterday I decided to actually do it. While on the drive over I sent a text to an old friend that I hadn't talked to in awhile and asked how she was doing. She had been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. I didn't get a text back by the time I reached the library but that was no big deal, she was a busy lady. As I was standing at the counter waiting on the librarian to finish the library card process I turned around to scan the room and standing right there in line behind me was my old friend! We hugged and I laughed and told her it was funny seeing her there because I had just sent her a text a few minutes before. She said she had gotten it but hadn't responded because the question I had sent of how are you was a loaded question and would take some time to answer.

We finished our business at the counter and moved to sit at the tables outside and we talked for awhile. She is going through some rough times and my heart hurt for her. I listened and gave what feeble advice I could give and then prayed for her (I've never done that in such a public place!). We both joked how weird it was that we both ended up at the library at exactly the same time, but we both ending up agreeing that God brought us together. I don't know if any of my thoughts or advice helped her but I think she just needed someone to listen.

So, my dear friend know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Thank you for trusting in me and thank you for being there and showing just how much God can work in our lives. Remember what I told you......HE has in all under control and will lead you in the right direction. Look how he led us together yesterday.

Chance meeting? I think not! :)

Happy Birthday Erin!

2007-09-01T08:46:00.000-05:00

Today is my good friend Erin's 30th birthday! Erin has been one of my best friends over the past 2 years and has stood by me through everything, has been there for me more times than I can count and has never given up on me.....she is truly a wonderful friend. I feel blessed to have her in my life.

Tonight we celebrate her birthday and I can't wait! It involves dinner out, a Hummer limo, a tour of Dallas and it's nightlife and my favorite part.........CAKE!

So, .if you are reading this Erin.......

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Are you Blessed?

2007-08-30T21:51:00.000-05:00

Lately it seems I keep running into people that I have very short conversations with that turn out to be very meaningful. I wrote about one the other day in my post titled "A Fresh Day" and today while stopped at the guard post for a gated community to sign in to be able to show homes I had another one. While signing in with one of the guards another one on the side decided to engage me in a conversation. It went like this:

Me - Good morning

Guard - Good morning! Are you as blessed as I am today?

Me - Yes I am because I have Him. (I pointed up)

Guard - Well then young lady you are living on higher ground!

Me - Yes I am!

Guard - Well, now you have a great day selling houses!

I wish as you read those words you could have heard the absolute joy in his voice. I can't remember a time I have come across someone that seemed so full of happiness. In his, what some people would view as a meaningless job, he chooses to be a blessing to people as they come to the gate. I wonder if he knows how much he blessed me today. I want to be more like him!

Great word Today

2007-08-29T06:25:00.000-05:00

Everyday I read the daily devotion from the Utmost for his Highest. Today's really meant something to me and wanted to share it. As I continue to battle some trials and my faith is tested the one thing that stands true is HIM.

August 29, 2007

The Unsurpassed Intimacy of Tested Faith

READ:

Jesus said to her, ’Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’ —John 11:40

Every time you venture out in your life of faith, you will find something in your circumstances that, from a commonsense standpoint, will flatly contradict your faith. But common sense is not faith, and faith is not common sense. In fact, they are as different as the natural life and the spiritual. Can you trust Jesus Christ where your common sense cannot trust Him? Can you venture out with courage on the words of Jesus Christ, while the realities of your commonsense life continue to shout, "It’s all a lie"? When you are on the mountaintop, it’s easy to say, "Oh yes, I believe God can do it," but you have to come down from the mountain to the demon-possessed valley and face the realities that scoff at your Mount-of-Transfiguration belief (see Luke 9:28-42 ). Every time my theology becomes clear to my own mind, I encounter something that contradicts it. As soon as I say, "I believe ’God shall supply all [my] need,’ " the testing of my faith begins ( Philippians 4:19 ). When my strength runs dry and my vision is blinded, will I endure this trial of my faith victoriously or will I turn back in defeat?

Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. What is challenging your faith right now? The test will either prove your faith right, or it will kill it. Jesus said, "Blessed is he who is not offended because of Me" Matthew 11:6 ). The ultimate thing is confidence in Jesus. "We have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end . . ." ( Hebrews 3:14 ). Believe steadfastly on Him and everything that challenges you will strengthen your faith. There is continual testing in the life of faith up to the point of our physical death, which is the last great test. Faith is absolute trust in God— trust that could never imagine that He would forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5-6 ).

Teenager in the House

2007-08-27T06:01:00.000-05:00

Today is Nick's thirteenth birthday. I can't believe my little boy is a teenager! It seems like only a short time ago he was just starting kindergarten and today he heads off to seventh grade. My friends Kyle and Erika just had their baby daughter a few days ago and as I watched the video proud dad put together it brought back the memories of the birth of my own boys. I remember those days as if it was yesterday.

Time is moving way too fast for this mom.

Happy Birthday Nick!

SCORE

2007-08-26T22:22:00.000-05:00

Today my friends Brent and Kristi drop off a few things at the house they didn't need anymore. I thought they were just going to give me their lawn mower but I got so much more.......weed eater, gas cans full of gas, blower, extension cords and extra weed line. They are moving away to Tennessee and won't be needing this stuff so they were nice enough to give it to me.

Comes just in time since my lawn guy quit a couple of weeks ago. I've been looking at ways to save money but couldn't give up the lawn guy because I didn't have a lawn mower. God always works things out! Of course that means I will have break a sweat now. I told Nick that Brent suggested he start doing it and well........you can imagine how well that went over :)

Of course I would give it all back if it meant they decided not to move and stay here!

Something to Believe In

2007-08-23T19:11:00.000-05:00

This afternoon while driving home from showing homes the thought popped into my mind how happy it makes me to have something to believe in.....specifically the belief in an awesome God. The thought came out of nowhere but I went with it and pondered it for awhile.

To have something of such great power to believe in even though I can't see, feel or hear in an audible voice brings a such a sense of satisfaction and contentment. I love believing in Him. I think at that moment I caught a glimpse of what true faith is.

I have been accused at times of not having hope, but I believe that as long as I believe in God I am full of hope.

A Fresh Day

2007-08-21T07:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning while out running I ran past a couple of older ladies that were out walking. I usually have my music on and will just nod at people as I run by, but this morning the batteries were out and I didn't have any new ones so I was running music-less (very hard to do!). So instead of a nod I shouted out a good morning to them and they responded back with a good morning and a how are you, I responded back with a fine, how are you and one of the ladies said something that has stuck with me....I'm great, it's a fresh day.

As I continued to run I reflected on this statement and thought what a great approach she had to the day. I thought about how many times I have woken up only to groan at the thought of the day ahead. So as I ran I thought of things that made it a fresh day and here is some of the things that came to mind:

It's a fresh day full of God's mercies.

It's a fresh day to serve him with all I have

It's a fresh day to serve others.

It's a fresh day to work harder at my job.

It's a fresh day to spend time with Nick.

It's a fresh day to be out running to better my health.

It's a fresh day to enjoy the good things in my life.

The list could go on and on. That lady probably doesn't know how much she spoke to me with her statement, but I tell you I had a much better attitude throughout the rest of the day because of it. Facing the day with a "fresh" perspective makes it so much more enjoyable and peaceful.

Every new morning we have the decision on how we will face the day.....may I always make the decision to face it with a spirit of "freshness"!

Amos Lee

2007-08-19T20:40:00.001-05:00

I heard this song earlier on a drama show I was watching and as soon as the song started I sat up! I loved the voice and didn't know who it was so I started writing down some of the lyrics and then went and looked them up (thank God for google!) I found out the artist is Amos Lee and immediately headed to Youtube.

I may be behind the times but I've never heard him before. He is amazing! I have to grocery shopping at Walmart tomorrow......I just might have to make a stop in the music section.

Here is a video of the song. Amazing!

Tough Love

2007-08-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

I did it. I kicked my oldest son out. He's been living with me for the last 4 months and I've given him every opportunity I could to get his life straight, but he just won't try and do it. I'm so tired of trying. He's 21 years old and it's time for him to grow up.

I know it was the right thing to do, so why do I feel so sick to my stomach. My head acknowledges the wisdom of the decision but my mom's heart is sad and scared. He has no job, no money and will only be able to bunk with friends for awhile. Yesterday I had a long talk with my team leader, Larry and he told me as long as I kept allowing him to treat me the way he did I would never earn his respect (my son's). Believe me it's very confusing to believe that kicking him out will earn his respect....it just seems like the opposite will happen and he will hate me.

I know some will not agree with my decision, but they have not walked in my shoes. I've dealt with him not working, coming in at all hours of the night, eating all the food, keeping his room a pigsty, spending $165 bailing him out of jail and today an argument with him calling me names because I called him out on his lack of motivation. At that point is when I told him he had tonight to get out. He's packed and gone.

As Nick and I were driving around waiting for him to pack and leave, I prayed and gave him to God. That's all I can do at this point. I pray for God's protection on his life and some how He will get through to him.

Tough love is tough! But hopefully it will benefit him in the end. I know God has had to show me some tough love at times and it's always made me stronger. I choose to believe the same for Andrew. God is into miracles!

If you want to remember us in your prayers, our family would be forever grateful.

God is where YOU are

2007-08-05T17:32:00.001-05:00

I've had a thought on my mind for the last couple of days but I kept pushing it away because I was too busy to contemplate on it. But it fought it's way to the surface and I now understand.

Finding God is not confined to a certain church, a certain body of believers or even a certain group of friends.

As I have been going on the journey of visiting new churches in the search to find a new church home this has become clearer to me. He has led me on this journey and everyday I would pray for Him to lead me to a church where I could find Him. To a group of people that I could find Him in. In my prior church He was always there and no less than that was what I required from a new one. But God has been quietly talking to me to assure me that He is wherever I am.

It doesn't matter what church I attend He can be found because He goes with me when I go. It doesn't matter what friends I have, He walks alongside me and will be the best friend I will ever have. It doesn't matter the circumstances in my life, He is with me. This is an amazing feeling. The knowledge that I have someone that loves me enough to go with me every step I take.

I now take this with me when visiting churches. I don't feel so al0ne anymore when I walk through the doors. I don't hold back on worship, I sing loud and raise my hands in praise. He requires no less than that from me.

1O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8⁽If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
(psalm 139:1-10)

Sad News

2007-08-04T10:59:00.000-05:00

My boy's granddad, or pawpaw as they called him, died this morning. Although it is my ex-husbands father my heart is still hurting. I knew him for over 20 years and even though he wasn't "like a father" to me he was as close to a role model of a father as I had ever known.

Mostly my heart is hurting for my boys. It was the only grandfather they had ever had and now he is gone. It will be hard on them. It will be especially hard on Andrew, my oldest. He has been in jail for the last three days (for the usual stupid stunts he pulls) and now he will always have the memory of finding out his grandfather died while sitting in a jail cell. I don't know what this will do to him.....either it will be a wake-up call to him to get his life straight or he will self-destruct as he tends to do. I pray that it is the wake-up call.

I'm sad for Ed (my ex) too. We may be divorced but we have always had a good relationship and it's so hard on me knowing that he is hurting. I have always loved and cared for him and that extended to his family. I haven't seen his family since our divorce three years ago, but I have some good memories of his father being there for us many times and being an awesome pawpaw to the boys.

Nick has kept it all in and won't talk about it and Andrew is just angry at the hospital for letting his grandfather die....it's his way of coping. It's at times like this that I feel inadequate as a mother because I can't take their pain away. Prayers for my boys would be so appreciated.

God's blessings on you and your families.

2007-07-25T21:48:00.000-05:00

I saw this show when I was in Vegas. It was awesome, amazing, the best thing I've ever seen! It was my first Cirque Du Soleil and I hope it won't be my last! As we walked out of the theater I said to my friend Tim that that was the most amazing thing I had ever seen and he said it was good but not the best one he had ever seen. WHAT?! There is one better then this one?! I think I would have a heart attack if I saw one better than this one, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. At one time I started to cry at the pure beauty of the scene and the amazing acrobatics of the performers. During one point I even prayed and thanked God that he allowed me the opportunity to see something so beautiful and that he was amazing to create something so beautiful for me to see. I felt like at that moment he made it just for me. If you've never seen a Cirque Du Soleil, I highly recommend you go if you get the chance!

Well, it's been a few days since I got back from Vegas and let me tell you it's been busy! I'm trying to implement into my business some of the things that I learned from the seminar and it's been keeping me busy. One of the main things I learned is working on keeping my day scheduled and letting nothing get in the way. Woah...that's hard! So many things can get you distracted so easy. I've even started writing a review of my day at 9:00 each evening so that I can look back and see what I accomplished and what I need to improve on. It's a work in progress....but I have had some successes in following it and plan on perfecting it in the weeks to come.

Vegas was a good time spent with some great people and I look forward to next year!

I Outta here man....

2007-07-16T06:49:00.000-05:00

I'm off to Vegas today for the rest of the week for a Real Estate Seminar. Before you get all jealous of the fact I get to go to Vegas, let me tell you it's sitting in a chair from 8:30 - 5:00 everyday listening to a guy tell me how to make my business better. Although I'm glad of the chance to get away (especially since I didn't pay for it!) I worry about all the "coals on the fire" I'm leaving here in Dallas.

Oh well, might as well enjoy it while I'm there. Hopefully we will do something fun in the evenings. You never know maybe I'll get married by a preacher man who looks like Elvis.

So..... I leave you for the week with a video of my current favorite song to enjoy. When I'm in the car and this comes on the radio it's everything I can do not hit the accelerator and race down the street! See if you can pick out a couple of lines in the song that are mentioned in this post.

Viva Las Vegas!

Breakaway for a Breakthrough

2007-07-13T19:24:00.001-05:00

(Turn it up and listen while you read!)

I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but believe me much has been going on in my life. God has been doing a mighty work in my life and I have finally come to that breakthrough I have been searching for for over three years now. Finally God's love has found itself to my heart. A few months ago while getting some counseling from a very wise women she told me...."Sonya, you have to get God's love from your head and to your heart. Receiving His love is more than just the knowledge that you have gained from His word or because someone has told you that He loves you, it's a heart thing and it will be an amazing experience once you truly receive it and you will know exactly the moment it happens."

I can wholeheartedly agree with her, it's been an AMAZING experience! No longer knowledge, but a feeling of his love is so amazing and so intense at times that I feel like I will bust wide open from it. Never have I had this kind of joy, this kind of peace. Although life is still a constant struggle and I still deal with some trials I had before the breakthrough, I have that inner peace that so many had told me about and I had so desperately tried to find but seemed so elusive.

Going back to what was said to me a few months ago about knowing the exact moment that it happens is the behind the title of this post. It came the second I made the decision to breakaway from everything and everybody I had known the past three years. Who would have thought that a breakaway would become a breakthrough, certainly not me. I can recall the moment I felt my heart soar with his love! I told someone that it was such a light feeling, a feeling of freedom and that all I wanted to do was dance. Literally! That's what I wanted to do....DANCE!

Yesterday a friend posted a song on her blog that was the inspiration behind me finally sitting down and writing this post. She wrote a post about a song by Kelly Clarkson called "Breakaway" and I have listened to it over and over again. It speaks so much to the recent events in my life that I felt I was called to write about it. You'll find the lyrics below.

To my friends I left behind know that I love you with so much love that is sometimes causes me to want to breakaway and come back, but alas I know this is the road God wants me on. I am so thankful for each of you and the great work you did in my life for the past three years. Please realize that the time you spent with me led me to this point and now as the song says because of your hand in the beginning of my walk with Christ I can now sing ....."I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye, I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway". And, as the song says....." but I won't forget all the ones that I love and I won't forget the place I came from". Your little girl has finally "grown up" in Christ. Love to each of you.

"Buildings with a hundred floors, swinging around revolving doors, Maybe I don't know where they'll take me, but gotta keep moving on, moving on"......"I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky"......this is song lyrics straight from my heart. In a comment I left on a friends blog I wrote, "I often conjure up a picture of myself standing in an open field with arms open wide and the wind is blowing all around me. This is my picture of freedom! Standing open with arms outstretched waiting to fly to wherever God wants me." I don't know where that is but that is where the freedom comes in. My life, my soul, my longings, my whole being is wrapped up in Him and that is enough for me.

Breakaway

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Decision Day

2007-03-19T09:26:00.000-05:00

Today I need to make a decision on something. I have placed it before God and asked for his guidance on what I should do. It's not something I want to do or will be easy to do, but will do if it is a must.

So if you have time today say a little pray for me that I will know God's voice seperate from my own and will make the right decision.

And.......before you mind goes off on what it could be let me assure you it has nothing to do with anyone else or the Church. It's personal.

Thanks for praying.

Just Enough Light

2007-03-16T07:51:00.000-05:00

One day at a time. That's how I am living now. Not sure about tomorrow or the next day or next week or a year from now. I'm only sure of today March 16, 2007.

About two weeks ago something happened, something that changed me. I used to dream of the future. I thought I knew my purpose. I had a passion. But after the "incident", I picked myself up and I left a piece of me behind. I no longer know what is in my future....what it is that God has mapped out for me. I just know that whatever strength I have he gives me each morning and only enough for that day. It's not a bad thing. I think it's right where he wants me. Broken, humble, lost only looking to him for the needs of the day.

It's a new road for me....this taking it one day at a time. I am a planner, a dreamer of the future. It's not been hard though. I don't have the strength to plan or dream. Everyday I pray that he allows me to get through the day with as much faith as is needed. Each day I pray for guidance in a certain area of my life. If the answers come...good. If they don't....get up the next day and pray again.

Today, March 16, 2007 I pray that truth will be revealed to me. Confusion wraps itself around my mind and I want to dispel it and come to the truth.

Today, March 16, 2007 I pray that God allows me just enough light for today.

Just Enough Light

Sometimes only the step I'm on,
or the very next one ahead,
is all that is illuminated for me.
God gives just the amount of light I need
for the exact moment I need it.
At those times I walk in surrender to faith,
unable to see the future
and not fully comprehending the past.
And because it is God who has given me
what light I have,
I know I must reject the fear and
doubt that threatens to overtake me.
I must determine to be content where
I am, and allow God to get me where I
need to go.
I walk forward,
one step at a time,
fully trusting that
the light God sheds
is absolutely sufficient.

(taken from the book...Just Enough Light forr the Step I'm On, by Stormie Omartian)

Aloneness

2007-03-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

I feel like I am living inside a glass box. I can see the world and the people in it but I am not a part of it. I am NOT on the outside looking in as the old saying goes, but it's more like I am on the inside looking out because I am stuck in the box and can't seem to get myself out.

I've never felt so alone before. I am surrounded by people who say they love me and are a daily part of my life....but yet I have never felt more alone than I have for the last couple of weeks. I have been on a road of discovery the last couple of weeks (I will be writing more about that in a later blog) and I have realized that I am different. Different than everyone else that are a part of my life. That is where the feeling of loneliness comes in. Me against the world. No one is like me. No one I know of deals with the crap that I am dealing with. Everyone else seem to have it all together. How many cry themselves to sleep at night because the loneliness is so bad that it feels like your heart is breaking in half. How many cry because they don't know when the next deal will close so they can pay the bills. How many cry because their son threatens to kill himself and don't know what to say to him because you have thought about doing the same. How many cry over a past that leaves scars so deep that although healing is wanted it can't be found. How many cry because a mother leaves awful messages on you phone and it re-opens wounds that you are desparetely trying to forget. How many cry because your youngest son now has to endure another possible broken marriage and you want to only protect him. All of this just within the last month.

No one understands what I am going through right now. Most of them live pretty happy fullfilled lives with good marriages, good jobs, happy children and they can't even begin to relate to me. Please believe me I am not bitter. I am extremely happy for all of them and pray for them to continue to have happiness. It makes me feel better to know that there is a such thing as "having it all together". Not to say that no one has problems, I can give you people that deal with at least one of the issues I stated above but I can't tell you anyone that deals with all of them at the same time.

I made a pact with myself a few days ago that I wouln't burden my friends anymore with my problems. I would hide the things that I am dealing with and learn to keep them to myself. They deserve better than who I am right now. There was only one person I had decided to confide in, someone that I would hope would mentor me and bring me to a place of having it all together. But due to circumstances that I didn't know anything about.....that has been lost. So now what do I do? Who do I talk to now? Is it time to move on and find people that are more like me? More answers needed on this road of self discovery.

This blog is not meant to enlist any of the responses I know you have already formed in your head. I know those that are reading love me. I know that you care about me and want to help me. Believe me.......I know. But you can't relate and that is something you can't change. God has me broken and alone and I can't seem for the life of me figure out why. Hopefully that discovery will be coming soon.

Plan B

2007-02-11T22:42:00.000-06:00

Someone asked me today if I have a "Plan B". I had to honesly answer and say no. Never thought I needed one.

What is my plan if this way of "life " doesn't work out? I don't know.

Right now my plan is to go sit in the corner of the closet with the lights out and cry bcause I don't have a Plan B.

Humbleness

2007-01-22T06:43:00.000-06:00

Websters definition of humble(ness):

1 : not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive
2 : reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission humble apology>
3 a : ranking low in a hierarchy or scale

Gods definition of humbleness:

1: a place of doing it his way and not ours
2: total submission to his authority
3: the highest place of honor he can bestow upon us...... A man's pride will bring him low,But a humble spirit will obtain honor (Proverbs 29:23).

My definition of humbleness:

1: a hard place to be
2: a total dependence on God and his salvation
3: a place of while down, I am able to look up and..... fix my eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12:2).

A Phone Call From God

2007-01-20T17:20:00.000-06:00

Yesterday evening I received a phone call from God. Mind you it came from a number here on earth and it was a human voice but never the less it was a phone call from God. I was at a very low point and He had some things to say and he used a friend to say it. How else do you expain that she felt the need to call me right then even though she had messages to return and other things to do?

So...thanks to my friend for following God's orders. And thanks for loving me enough to yell at me and giving me a swift kick in the b***.

You know who you are.

John Mayer "Says" It All

2007-01-19T23:41:00.000-06:00

Some of us, We're hardly ever here
The rest of us, we're born to disappear
How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me,testing me

How did they find me here
What do they want from me
All of these vultures hiding
Right outside my door
I hear them whisperin
They're tryin to ride it out
Cause they've never gone this long
Without a kill before

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

Wheels up
I got to leave this evening
Can't seem to shake these vultures
Off of my trail
Power is made, by power being taken
So I keep on running
To protect my situation

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me

Whatcha gonna do about it
Whatcha gonna do about it

Don't give up, give up
Don't give up, give up, give up
Don't give up, give up, give up

In Need of a Word

2007-01-15T16:13:00.000-06:00

I wrote in an email to my pastor earlier this week that it seems like there is a brick wall between God and myself and my hands are bloody from beating on the wall trying to get to him. That may seem a bit dramatic to some of you but if you know me and my "I" personality you'll excuse the drama. I am a visual person and I always paint a picture for what I am feeling. I don't know why the wall is there. Did I put it there through some disobdience, some sin that I haven't confessed? I've read that sometimes God remains silent at times in our life so that we can learn to trust that he is still there even when we can't feel or hear him, so has he put up the wall to lead me to that knowledge?

All I know is this..I need a word. Some sort of answer to where I go from here. I haven't stopped praying for those answers even though at times I have wanted to. But I won't give up becuase his word tells me..."You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart" (Jerimah 29:13). I keep holding onto those words, seeking with everything I have and hoping he finds me open and ready for him to answer.

I am going through a growing stage, I know this, but the knowledge of this doesn't stop or lessen the growth pains. None of us like this stage, but we must endure the growth to become the person that God has destined us to be. (....You know, even as I sit here and make that point I wonder if I believe that or if I should just chalk it up to life stinks sometimes.) I'm tired and confused and need some answers from God, even if that answer is no.

I am at a low point and my dear friend Patrick has noticed this and he is hurting for me and wants to help but I am having a hard time opening up to him or anyone else. The only person I have been talking with about this is my pastor and that has all been through emails. I write about what bothers me so much better than talking about, it's therapy to me. Plus in some weird sense it gives me a feeling of being somewhat anonymous. So...that's why am writing this blog. I'm going to put some of the things I am struggling with up for prayers. I try and keep it as light as I can...not to heavy as I would fear I may scare you away.

1.) Financial. This is the lowest I have ever been in this area. I don't know what I'm going to do if the closing I have scheduled this week doesn't happen and there is a good chance it won't. There seems to be a lack of understanding by some of my friends as to why I could have myself in this mess since I seemed to do so well in the late summer and early fall. What they don't understand is that money doesn't last forever. I am not in a job that grants me a paycheck every other week and just doing good a few months doesn't always stretch to cover the months when I'm not doing so good. Security of money coming in regularly is NOT one of the better parts of this job I'm in.

2.) My older son. I don't know what to do here. I have tried so hard to get him to do better, to make better choices but it seems all to no avail. Just last Tuesday I spent awhile on the phone with him talking about Christ and what it takes to make it to Heaven. He seemed to listen and agreed that he should come to church more, but then last night he did something totally stupid that got him into a huge mess again. When will he learn? I can't handle all these messes he gets himself into anyomere. He needs to grow up.

3.) Mentality. This is a big one. Most who know me know that I suffer from depression at times and when I am in the middle of a period of this I tend to hide myself away from the world. I withdraw into myself and lose the ability to communicate too much on a social level. I have to force myself to be out of my cave and seek social interactions, as I did this weekend. I also look at every "molehill as a mountain". Focusing on the negative and beating myself up for doing that. A couple of people in my life have some understanding of this.

4.) A mentor. This is something I have been praying about for awhile. I am looking for someone that can take the lead in helping me reach my full potential. Let me stress how blessed I am that I have the people in my life that have helped me in my spiritual life many times but I am looking for something more in depth. Not sure what it is but I think I need someone older and lends themselves to more life experiences. I have so much to learn and I need someone that will push me and hold me accountable. I tend to still keep a little bit of myself from my friends and I need someone that I don't feel like I have to do that. Kind of like my therapist I had a few years ago, but I don't want to have to pay $135 per hour for it!

5.) Physical. I have been so tired lately. A lot of that is to do with the lack of good sleep. I haven't felt much like eating lately either, which I'm sure plays some part in the tiredness(I've lost 4 lbs, not a bad thing.). I need some energy.

6.) Job. See number 1.

So if you are bored and want something to do, pick one and pray for me. Any one will do, I need help in all of them.

Dreams

2007-01-12T15:59:00.000-06:00

Dreams.......they have been haunting my night while I sleep. To dream I know is not abnormal but I am waking up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. I wake up feeling like I have actually lived the dream. Some of them have been really heavy and I have an oppressive feeling when I wake up from them. Some I forget within a few minutes of getting up but the worse is the ones the are dogging my footsteps throughout the days. I can't forget them. They not only haunt my nights but my days too. They are not nightmares. They are just dreams that stay with me and I can't escape them. Some of them I want to forget.

Last night before going to sleep I prayed that I could have a dreamless sleep, but it was not to be. It was another long heavy dream that woke me up at 4:45am feeling very tired. What are these dreams? I have taken to writing them down, trying to find a pattern or a meaning. Some would say that dreams is what is in your subconscious coming to the surface and the only way it does is through dreams. I hope that's not true! I don't know why I would dream some of the things I do.

This morning while reading, the author wrote that sometimes God spoke to the Apostle Paul through dreams and visions. Could this be the way that God is talking to me? I could definitely put a spiritual spin on some of them. Others.....no way! I don't know the answer. All I know is that I don't ever remember a time in my life like this. I have dreamt before, but sporadically and I usually forget them quickly. I miss those days.

I want them to end. I want a night of dreamless sleep. I want to wake up feeling refreshed instead of tired.

Maybe tonight.

The Ohhhh.... Revelation of 2006

2007-01-01T23:33:00.000-06:00

So, it's been awhile since I wrote (okay a long while!), and it seems a bit cliché to think of starting to write again because it's the New Year. I often thought of writing but time was not always on my side, although sometimes it was just laziness that prevented me. My apologies to my former readers that have been waiting and pushing me to start writing again.

I was talking a couple nights ago with my friends Patrick and Raquel and I was telling them the biggest lesson I learned in 2006 was the true definition of family. Please understand to those who don't know me very well the word family brings much sadness and regret and most of the time has been a dirty word in my world. I know that may sound harsh but I have not had the greatest example of what most people would define family.

Webster online defines family as....1 : a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2 a : a group of persons of common ancestry b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock. Most of us would define family as our "blood" relatives. People we share the same blood line, the same DNA. Our children, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and so on. We would also include families that we inherit from the person we marry. These people do not share the same blood type but we still consider them family. For the last 41 yrs I would have agreed with you. It is something I have wanted and searched for all those years. Something I have craved. I wanted that typical family. Lots of "blood" relatives to spend the holidays with, to call and chat with, to share life with. But, apart from my precious two boys I do not have this. Through much grief and pain due to opposition and disagreements that chapter of my life is closed. It is something that has been going on for most of my life, but escaladed in the last three years that finally brought an end to "family" for me. This is something that leaves a mark very deep in your soul. I grieved over the loss and moved on (it took awhile). I moved on to praying for God to send that special man into my life so I could "inherit" a family. (I had inherited one through marriage once before and believe me that was not what I was looking for!) I need this God, I would pray. 40+ years and I never felt like I belonged to anything remotely related to family. But God in his ever infinite wisdom needed me to learn the truth. The truth of family. To go beyond what Webster says. To go beyond what most people would say. I needed to learn that I can have that sense of family without blood or DNA or through marriage.

I have attended a church for the last two and half years that over that time has slowly (I say slowly because I was stubborn and refused to get it) taught me the truth. A group of people that I have spent the holidays with, I do call and chat with and a group of people that I do share life with. We have learned together, we have grieved loss together, we have laughed together, we have shared the joys of new births together, we have cried together, we have worshiped together and we have served God together (and soon we will vacation together!) There has been opposition, there has been disagreements, but we have grown stronger together, not weaker. We have decided to stay and fight for our "family". Many times these people have been there for me when my blood family was not. They have been there to help me grieve over the loss of said family. It goes deeper than just friendship. It goes to the very core of my heart and weaves itself around me until they are a part of me as if their blood runs within me. These are people that it would break my heart into tiny little pieces if anything happened to them. There is a six year old and a three year old that I have spent so much time with, read to them, played games and puzzles, and tucked them into bed and kissed them goodnight and they have woven themselves so deeply into my heart that I view them almost as close to my children as my own boys.

This past holiday season was the "period" at the end of the definition. The last couple of holidays before would find me in a state of depression. I had started to hate the holidays. I had no family to spend the holidays with and would find myself over a friend's house instead. Believe me I was glad to spend it with them and felt blessed, but I would always walk away with pity for myself because they weren't family. This year was different. Through learning the true definition of family my holidays were spent in joy. I spent time with people that mean the world to me. People I would not trade for all the "families" in the world. Patrick, Raquel and I are already planning for the next holidays. We are talking of going to Seattle to spend Thanksgiving with Raquel's family. As we were talking and planning, Raquel said the sweetest thing, "Sonya, I love the way we are integrating you into our families" (we are going to spend a few days at Patrick's parents in Feb. for a ski trip) I have family I haven't even met yet!

Most of what I wrote above is truth through feelings. A feeling of belonging, a feeling of acceptance into peoples lives. But let’s talk about truth through facts. Let’s break down above what Webster defines as family. A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head. Sounds like a good definition of what most would describe as family. Dad and Mom as the head and the children all living together in a home. But lets look at in a different way, through the eyes of God. That roof Webster talks about replace it with the word church and we all know who is head of the church. What about the second part of the definition. A group of people regarded as deriving from a common stock. Again we could look from our flesh eyes and say that defines the blood or DNA part of family. But don't all of us upon salvation then become sons and daughters of Christ or of, common stock. I have to be honest now I left off part of Webster’s definition to be able to make a point. 3 a: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation. Where does it mention Blood type or DNA in that definition? It goes to the true heart of family..a group of believers united by salvation and a common goal of serving Christ. Finally the truth! I do have a family. We are all family through the blood of Jesus. We are brothers and sister through inheritance. So, if you are struggling with a "blood" sister come to me, I will stand in the gap and be that sister to you. Having trouble with a "blood" mother or father go to God and he will stand in the gap and be that parent to you.

Still don't get it? Let me use the words of a very smart three year old. Recently after being taught by his grandmother the difference between family and friends he was asked...Who is Sonya, family or friend? His reply..."she famwee, she go to chuch". He gets it. He doesn't understand that my blood does not run through his veins. He only sees me as part of his life and that must make me family. Or how about a few weeks ago while at a Christmas celebration the group I was with asked someone in the crowd to take our picture. After taking the picture she handed back the camera and said..."You have a lovely family". She didn't know we weren't of the same bloodlines. She just saw a group of people that were so comfortable with each other that we must have been family.

Please don't think that I am making light of the importance or blessing of having a blood family. I have two children of my own and we share bloodlines and I wouldn't trade that for anything. And I know that one day I will meet that special someone and inherit a family from him. I am just tying to let you see that God has given me a new meaning of the word family. I haven't given up on a having a family one day, I am just content with what I have at this moment. He has given me a family through the people in my life and I plan on holding them tight and loving them with all my heart.

(The original title of this blog was going to be The True Meaning of Family but it changed after hearing a sermon this past Sunday by Wayne Gooden a powerful speaker. He talked about that Ohhh...moment when God speaks to you and you have a revelation that makes you go ohhhh!. It seemed like an appropriate title for this blog.)

Beth Moore Conference

2006-06-23T07:37:00.000-05:00

I am so looking forward to today. Myself and seven other of my lovely friends from church are headed to Oklahoma to attend a Beth Moore conference. I love Beth Moore and have done several of her Bible Studies. I can't wait to see her and hear her speak.

More than that, I am looking forward to the three and half hour car trip chatting with my girlfriends, staying together in a hotel...no doubt staying up late...having meals together and then the three and half hour car trip back. I love my girlfriends and spending qualiy time with them fills me with exictment! We are going to have a blast and be spiritually fed at the same time.

I almost didn't go. Money is so tight for me right now and the $90 is was costing gave me pause. But, I realized I couldn't afford not to. After the stress of the last few months I need this time away, I need girl time and I need to be filled up spiritually.

So I'm off today on a road trip to recharge my batteries and hope to come away refreshed.

What Drives You?

2006-06-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

This question has been on my mind over the last couple of days. What drives me to serve Christ? What is it that makes me want to follow after him, to become more like him? I have come up with a few answers....some of them good solid Christian reasons and some, well.... maybe NOT good solid Christian reasons. So here they are.....

Because I am in love with Jesus! Sunday at church we sang a song that had the line in it "I am so in love with you Jesus” I can't even remember any other line of song, just that one. It has stuck in my mind. I can truly say I am absolutely sold out to loving Jesus. My heart just overflows with love sometimes that it makes me want to express it in some crazy way...like shout it out in the middle of a crowd. Sometimes I am in awe in how much I love him, someone I've never met, someone just through pure faith believes in his existence. Love it's a powerful thing. It leads people to do things that are out of the ordinary, it changes people’s lives. Yep...love for him drives me.

Faith….something I struggle with I admit...but faith in a life eternal. Something wonderful that’s waiting for me. Something that my human mind can not possibly even imagine or wrap my thoughts around. Come on....streets of gold, robes, crowns, jewels! Oh...and the most precious of all, eternity spent with Jesus. To finally be able to see him face to face. To be able to express that love I have for him...to him! You know that song that is so popular "I can only imagine" well I do that sometimes...imagine. I don't think I come anywhere close to how it will be, so I drive forward in anticipation, knowing that one day I will find out. Yep...Heaven drives me.

Being the best person or role model to those around me. Everyday I strive to be a better person, believe me sometimes I fail at this but I never cease striving. I want to be a person that people see as different, a person that lets the light of Jesus shine from me. I want my children to see a mother that has changed in the last couple of years into a better person, a better mom. I want them to learn about God from my life and all that he has to offer their lives. Most importantly I want them to want what I have. Yep....a good role model for my children drives me.

Bootstraps. Yes, I said bootstraps. Have you ever heard the saying "Pull myself up by my bootstraps" (there are a few variations to it). That's me sometimes...okay a lot of times. Sometimes through pure force of will I keep going on. I have had people tell me they are inspired by my strong will to see something through or impressed by my ability to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I have had to learn to. I have gone through some hard, terrible things in my life-mostly in childhood-and I had no one to pull me up..so I had to learn to do it on my own. Sometimes this stubbornness serves me well, sometimes it does not. I don't like to give up. But sometimes I don't want to pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. Sometimes I want to sit down on the floor, release my grip on the bootstraps and take the darn boots off! But they won't come off, because my will to survive, to go on is stronger. Yep...my bootstraps drive me.

Fear of what happens if I don't . This may not be the best reason to follow God, (I warned you!) but I have to admit that sometimes this really plays a big part in my walk with God. If life gets difficult or burdensome with following God...then it scares me to death to think of what it most be like to be apart from him. Sometimes when I think of giving up, feeling that this Christian path is too hard to follow anymore fear overtakes me and I think of all the things that could and probably would go wrong in my life. Wrong choices bring bad consequences. Yep...fear drives me.

So there you have it the good and bad of what drives me to be a follower of God.

I like the first one I wrote about the best. It’s my favorite reason.

So....tell me what drives you?

Milestone

2006-05-25T09:16:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a mini "graduation" ceremony for Nicholas. He has completed fifth grade...elementary school....and is headed for middle school. Man, how time flies. I can't believe he is so grown up. It makes me sad that my little boy is growing up so fast. But....at the same time I get to see that little boy grow up to be just as I picture him to be. Talk about bitter-sweet! He is the light of my life, someone who makes me want to get out of bed each morning and someone who drives me to be a better role model. To top it all off...he's smart too!!! He received the following awards today:

A Commended score for TAKS (Texas assesment testing) Achievement in the following subjects:

Mathematics
Science
Reading

This achievement is given to students that missed no more than 3 questions on the test. He only missed one in Math!!

He also received an award for making the A/B honor Roll! His final grades were 85 in Reading...89 in Language Arts....83 in Math....86 in Science....92 in Social Studies.

All of this may not seem important to my readers...but all of you will understand one day with your children.

Nick, I am so proud of you. I am so proud to me your Mom. I fall more in love with my "little boy" each and every day.

Happy "Graduation" and cheers to a new chapter called.....Middle School!

I LOVE YOU!

Fear of the Fire

2006-05-18T08:21:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday my pastor gave a sermon that has haunted me and made me cry everytime I seriously thought about it. He has done this before with other sermons...But this one is different, much more profound to me personally and it has shown me just how much I HAVEN'T grown and how much more I need to grow.

His sermon was the last in a series titled "Through the Fire". Over the last three weeks he has used the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego as a basis for his sermons. Most of us know the story (found in Daniel 3)...Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego would not bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar's golden image so they were thrown into a furnace of fire. As we all know nothing happened to them while in the fire...Because God was there with them. The parallel Tim was trying to draw was that when we go through the fire we must remember God is always with us. This weeks final sermon was to help us not to be afraid of the fire, to know that God is with us through it all.

When Tim asked a question at the end of the sermon "How big of a blessing do you want and are you willing to go through the fire to get it"....hit me square in the gut. My immediate answer to the questions was...NO! I don't want to go through the fire God....the fire scares me, I prayed standing there at church. Something inside of me then asked...even if it meant you would get the husband you so deeply desire...and once again my answer was....NO! I realized at that moment how very scared I was of the fire. To say that I would give up on something that I desire so strongly to stay out of the fire, was something I wasn't ready to deal with. Thus the reason for my anxious spirit and crying everytime I thought about it.

I am afraid of the fire. I admit it. Unlike Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego I don't always come out of the fire untouched and unsinged (The satraps, the prefects, the governors and the king's high officials gathered around and saw in regard to these men that the fire had no effect on the bodies of these men nor was the hair of their head singed, nor were their trousers damaged, nor had the smell of fire even come upon them. Daniel 3:27). Although I know God was with me throughtout the fires and I have come out a survivor, I have come away a little broken and usually a lot hurt. I know that all of it is a learning curve, that God has good intended for it.... but it still doesn't stop the fear.

I know through a lot of prayer of the last few days and conversations I have had...I have to concede. I have to concede to go through the fire. I have to give up on the debilitating fear I have and be willing to go through whatever God wants me to. I know also I will not be given my hearts truest desires until I do. I'm not there yet, friends. I don't know when I will be.

Who Would Have Thought?

2006-05-03T08:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while driving to the office, actually looking forward to the day...it finally struck me what a big change I had made in my life with the change in teams I work for. The thought, "who would have thought" that I, someone who hates change with a passion would have made such a big one without blinking an eye and actually looked forward to it! Boy...was that a weird moment, very out of the ordinary.

As I pondered the thought my mind started going through the last couple of years of my life and all the big changes I had made. So many changes, some of them drastic, some of them gradual, and some of them proceeded with a lot of kicking and screaming. It amazed me as I thought about it and tears of joy and sadness,...mostly joy....threaten to fall. So many changes in such a little time.

So here it is for me to share all of my "Who would have thoughts" some of them simple things, some of them drastically changing my life.

Who would have thought....that the girl divorced after 18 years of marriage, who was looking forward to a single life of partying, of dating as many men as I could and yes, I will admit probably sleeping with them too, would instead walk into a church one Sunday morning and have her life changed! That, my friends was not in the plans I had laid out.

Who would have thought....that on the Sunday morning God would become my everything. That I would give my heart, my life, my desires, my dreams, my decisions, my absolutely everything and hand it over to him to care for. That was the biggest change for me in almost 39 years and the absolute BEST change I could ever make.

Who would have thought....the girl that hadn't been to church in 20 years would lead a women's Bible study. Who would become an intricate part of the greatest church on earth. Who would live out her life to serve the people of this church. Who's dream is to be able to one day live her life to only work for that church.

Who would have thought....that what I considered to be the best friend I had ever had would hurt me very badly and leave me wondering what was wrong with me, what I needed to change about me.

Who would have thought....just after that hurtful time, God would teach me what true friendship was. He gave me some of the greatest people in the world to be friends with. Friends that washed that hurt away and taught me that there is nothing wrong with me. Friends that hold me up when I get down. Friends that I share every day of my life with. the good, the bad, and the ugly. Friends that love me.

Who would have thought....that I would transform...as my friend Kelly puts it....from a crying, balled up mess on the sofa, to the woman of faith that I am now. And most importantly willing to grow my faith more and more.

Who would have thought....that the amazing team I worked with for the past two years, that I loved with a passion, that I thanked God for almost daily, would change drastically and leave me to make the decision to change to another one. A change to something I didn't know, to work with people I didn't know. So far...because I truly believe it had God's blessings...it has actually been a delightful change.

Who would have thought....that after trying to be a blonde by putting as many blonde highlights in my hair as I could, would change to a brunette and love it! (Thought I would put a fun one in there!)

Most importantly who would have thought....that the girl who hates change sat in her car yesterday and reflected on all the changes over the last couple of years and had to admit that changes can actually be a good thing.

Who would have thought it!

Core

2006-04-24T07:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an awesome service at church! The worship was one of the best that I can remember. God was definitely in our midst! A lot of this was due to our men of GM (my church) coming back from...what I can only imagine...was an rewarding men's retreat at Lake Lavon. I could feel the power of God expressed through their faces, their worship, and their actions. CORE was the theme of their retreat. Getting back to the CORE (heart) of having passion for God. Getting back to the CORE values of our church.....Love, Truth, Beauty and Freedom

We only had men playing and singing on our worship team....one of them doing it for the first time. What a moving experience! As I watched my friend Cameron's arms raised high in the air as he sang, I almost lost it! My heart was so full of joy seeing him worshiping God like that, seeing the serene peace and total commitment to God on his face. And when he closed us in prayer...again tears of joy and happiness filled my eyes. My pastor delivered a powerful sermon that I will take with me for a long time. I also saw a new and refreshing passion for God in his face and my heart was once again filled with joy and happiness.

These men are my rock, the CORE of our church, men I call friends...my brothers in Christ. Anyone of them at anytime I know I could walk up to with a problem or a need and they would be there for me without hesitation. I am so blessed. My future husband has big shoes to fill...because I will settle for no less than what I see in the men of my church.

Through their worship yesterday it has renewed my passion for Christ...renewed my hunger to know him more.

Thanks to all the men of GM for being the CORE of our church and my life.

Change Is In The Air

2006-04-19T22:32:00.000-05:00

So.........as all my readers know I have been writing about a possible change in my job. Well it is no longer a possibility but a reality. The change will happen on Monday. No going back now...time to move on and see what God has in store for me.

As most of you know I hate change. It is the one thing when asked of me will totally send me into a tizzy; a whirlpool of fear and a vortex of stress (do you like my exaggerations?). But in this instance none of this applies. There is a little anxiety over everything coming together easily with the least of amount of complications...but that's about it. Strangely enough there is actually...yes, I'm going to say it....excitement!

This is the peace that everyone has always told me about that you get when you know you have gone to God with a question and he has answered. It's a new feeling for me....this "peace" thing. Don't get me wrong, doubts still sometimes try to make their way into my mind, but the peace and the knowledge that it's the right thing for me to do, push them away. So many signs have pointed at this path, how could I not go down it. There will be trying times ahead and probably times that I will wonder if I made the right decision. But as long as I am obedient to God I will be okay.

As I sit here and write this and tears well up in my eyes. God is so faithful. He truly loves to give me the peace I so desperately seek. He has made me fall in love with him even more.

The future's so bright...I've got to wear shades.

Of course any future is bright with God in it.

Marathon Day

2006-04-18T09:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's work day started at 9:45 and I ended up back home at 10:15 last night. Although very tired it was a productive day in many ways. I started at the office for an hour of just getting some papers signed by clients, faxing some papers, the usual office "stuff". But the day really started when I picked up my friend Patrick and his father Larry at 11:30....and the fun began! The marathon of finding the right first home for Patrick and Raquel had started! Raquel and Peg...Patrick's mom...met us later after a morning of shopping at the Dallas market.

What an awesome day! Spending all day with some of my best friends at the same time doing my job! How many people can say they can do that?! Not only did I get to spend the day with Patrick & Raquel, but also with Patrick's parents. What truly awesome people! I have immensely enjoyed getting to know my friend's family, it lets me know him better and of course I got to hear funny stories of how Patrick used to say "truck" growing up (you're not alone Titus!)!

The day was long, full of house hunting, negotiations, a difference of opinion here and there, five people crammed into one car, lunch at Scotty P's....dinner at La Hacienda. But the best was the day filled with friendship…old and new...love, fellowship and of course lots of laughter! Patrick's dad is very funny and had me cracking up at dinner! As I sat across the table at dinner from Peg and Larry I thought to myself how lucky my friend Patrick was to have such great parents. It is my biggest sadness in my life that I don't have that. But no worries....I truly believe God will place a loving family in my life someday.

Peg and Larry leave today and it's odd...I'm going to miss them.

Peg jokingly said they would adopt me and I could be Patrick's sis, I wonder if she was serious...........

To My Friend Kelly

2006-04-14T08:27:00.000-05:00

It's been almost two weeks since my friends Ty & Kelly moved to Louisiana. Everyday I keep expecting them to come home. See....I'm used to them going away for a week or so on a cruise or to see their parents and it's starting to hit me they are not on vacation and they are not coming back.

I have to admit when they actually left two weeks ago it didn't hurt so much. I had known for a few months they were leaving and I had slowly built a wall around my heart to protect it when the time came. I remember the few days leading up to them leaving I kept wondering why I wasn't "losing it", why I wasn’t “breaking down" in fits of tears. I wondered what was wrong with me, my best friend was moving away and I wasn't miserable!

As I sat this morning thinking about the busy weekend ahead it hit me....Kelly should be here for it. It's our best friend Carrie's 30th birthday and she should be here to celebrate with us. Patrick's parents are in town and she should be here to meet them. Raquel and I are having a jewelry party at my house to show Patrick's mom's jewelry line and she should be here to ohh & ahh over it and of course spend some money. We have a church Easter egg hunt on Sunday and she should be here to watch Titus & Jordan's excitement on finding them and...Jordan trying to talk Titus into giving up his eggs to him! :) She should have been here last night when I made her favorite mushrooms and went to Janna and Justin's to see baby Adison. She is missing out...but most of all I am missing out on her standing beside me...being a part of my life as it goes on here in Texas.

The wall is starting to crumble. Everyday that she doesn't come home from "vacation" a little more of it breaks off. As pieces of it breaks off it leaves my heart exposed. The tears have started, coming at odd times and coming more and more. I am on the verge of "losing it"...of..."breaking down". Reality is setting in and believe me it's not pretty and I don't want to look at it.

I miss you Kelly and my heart is sad. I keep waiting for you to call me to come have a cup of coffee or to go to the gym. I can't stand the thought of someone else living in you house. I want you to live there just 5 minutes away from me. I want you to be here for......life! I miss Ty too...my little bro...my computer geek....my fix it, change it, handyman. Oh God...what am I going to do, it's only been two weeks! Instead of it getting easier it's getting harder.

I love you Kel....and I miss you....miss you....miss you!

Progress Report

2006-04-07T07:45:00.000-05:00

So...yesterday I had my first meeting with one of the leaders from the new team I am considering. I have to admit I didn't go in expecting to be interested, I just went in out of curiosity and because of a sense of "I should". I was hoping that I wouldn't like what I heard and thus make the decision easy for me to stay with my current team. Well....this is not what happened. What I was told, what we talked about, sounds very promising, sounds like a good plan and sounds like an opportunity to make more money.

Yet...there are still doubts. For all the good things I heard, there are things that will change for me. I will lose a lot of flexibility...something I love. It will require more discipline and structure, but most of all more accountability. Yes...all of these things are good for me, but it would be a hard adjustment for me.

Today I meet the other leader of the team. The one that will be the deciding vote...although the leader I met with yesterday has already decided he wants me on the team. I have heard that the leader today, can be hard, and doesn't have a "warm and fuzzy" personality. But, I will be my own judge.

The door has been opened and I have stepped inside to look around. Things look good from where I'm standing, but I keep looking back through the doorway at the things I could be leaving behind.

Please continue to pray for me. Pray for my doubts about the decision Pray that if this is not the right doorway for me to go through that God will close it, lock it, put a chain around it, nail a few 2X4's over it and place a huge KEEP OUT! sign on it.

And pray that if it is the door to choose, that it will close behind me and I will not be able to open it again to look back and see the things I left behind.

Please God, leave me no doubt.

Prayers for Guidance

2006-04-06T07:25:00.000-05:00

Today at 11:00 I will meet with the leader of the top Real Estate team in our office, about possibly coming to work with their team. This is something that came up suddenly and not something I was expecting to do. As most of you know I do not like change and going to work with another team scares me to death....even though all the recent changes on my current team has had me in a tough situation.

As I was praying about the meeting this morning, I had a bad case of fear come over me! The fear is not from making a change... it comes from not making the right decision that God wants me to make. I am scared that I will not hear correctly what the Holy Spirit is leading me to do. As I said, this is the top team in our office; they sold over 150 homes last year compared to our teams 56! I don't want to get caught up into making the wrong decisions because of the amount of money I could make or awesome promises made to me and then find out later it was not all that is seemed...then I have no where else to go. I am also scared of not making the change.... because of my fear of change! Even with all the difficulties of the last few months with my current team, I feel safe and I am willing to tough it out.

I just want to do what is right by God. I know with obedience to him comes blessings. This is a big decision for me and something that will affect my finances, my time, and my life. My fear of not doing God's will for me is so much stronger than my fear of change.

So pray for me my friends! Pray that my heart will be open and aware of what God has for me. Pray for guidance to make the right decision. But, most of all pray for clarity!

5 Wish Wednesday

2006-04-05T06:56:00.000-05:00

For lack of time and coming up with anything to write about.........

1. I wish...I could eat anything I wanted and never gain a pound.

2. I wish...I can go to the beach this summer for vacation.

3. I wish....I would drink more water.

4. I wish....I was a better person and more like Christ.

5. I wish...I had more time to write for my blog.

Don't Eat the Guacamole!

2006-03-28T18:35:00.000-06:00

Avocado’s and I have a love/hate relationship. I love them, but they hate me. Anytime I eat anything that has avocados in it I get sick! My friend Patrick makes the absolute best guacamole you've ever tasted! It's creamy, spicy and oh...so good. This past Saturday night we had a going away party for my friends Ty & Kelly and Kelly made the request for Patrick to make his famous guacamole. He did and it was one of best batches he has ever made! I couldn't resist, I took a little bite and man it was so good! So I thought to myself....a little bit more won't hurt me, after all it's been a couple years since the last time I ate any, maybe it won't make me sick anymore. So I took a few more bites, telling everyone that it was so good it would be worth a little stomach ache. Boy was I wrong! Within an hour I was in pain with stomach cramps and just a few minutes later I was in the bathroom throwing up everything I had eaten. For the rest of the night...while everyone else was playing games and having fun, I was on the couch nursing an avocado hangover!! I ended up going home before the party was over.

This got me to thinking....don't we sometimes treat sin the same way? Maybe a little one won't hurt us; after all for the most part we are a good person. So, we tell a little lie and we get away with it. We tell another one because we didn't see any repercussions from the first one and before long we are caught up in a web of deceit. What about good Christian people that get caught up in having an affair? We start off just in innocent flirtation, then it's on to a lunch for two...knowing it's wrong but saying it feels so good to be with this person...he/she really understands me! Before long things get out of control and it's now a long way off from innocent flirtation. Or how about holding back giving our tithes because we are having a financial crunch (yes, I believe this is a sin.) Just this one time we tell ourselves. But this time turns into next time and next time turns into just never giving them…ever. If I'm honest all these "sins" feel good at one point, just like with me eating the guacamole tasted good at the time. We brush away the feelings because we want the good feelings to last. But......it always catches up with us! Lies hurt people and breaks trusts. Affairs destroy families and lives. And before long we hit a rough patch financially or lose a job and wonder where God is. We end up with consequences far above what we could have imagined and while the party of life is going on around us we are on the couch......better yet on our knees begging God for forgiveness while trying to pick up the pieces of our lives.

At one point while lying on the couch feeling miserable, Kelly turned to me and asked me....Was it worth it? My answer....NO! I had learned my lesson...I can not eat guacamole! It doesn't matter that I only ate about a tablespoon; it was enough to bring me down. The memory is fresh and I will run from it if I ever see it again, won't even stand in the same room as it!

I want to see sin the same way...it's not worth it. The repercussions, the consequences, the distance from God...all of it not worth it! No matter how small the sin is...it leads to bigger ones. No matter how good it feels...it leads to pain and heartache. I want to always keep alive the memories of pain caused by sin and run from it!

Justification

2006-03-23T17:23:00.000-06:00

jus·ti·fi·ca·tion
1.
a. The act of justifying.
b. The condition or fact of being justified.
2. Something, such as a fact or circumstance, that justifies

You know it always mystifies me how some people can justify their behavior. Justification to me is just another word for excuse when it is done out of anger or hurt. They have been wronged so it's okay to wrong someone else. It's okay to hurt someone’s feelings, because their feelings have been hurt. Oh...and what about saying angry words or writing angry emails because they THINK or PERCEIVE that someone has done them wrong. I'm just going to tell them how I feel! They hurt me and I need to let them know....this is just a couple of the lines they use to justify their behavior. The Bible clearly states "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear". Ephesians 4:29 Or how about telling a lie because it's just a little one and it's for the better that way (in their mind) But my favorite the one that gets me every time is some do these things knowing they are wrong, because they know God will forgive them! What kind of justification is that?!

I do not justify hurting someone else because I have been hurt. I do not justify lying to someone because I am angry and I want to lash out. Please believe me I am not perfect! Do I hurt people sometimes...yes. Do I stretch the truth to make myself look better or feel better...yes, probably...although I HATE lying. Maybe, people justify lying because they think it is the best way to handle a situation. Let me tell you there is NO justification for lying!

Please believe me I am not writing this to judge anyone. I woke up at 3:00am this morning with these thoughts in my mind and I felt like I needed to write it down. I think we all try and justify our thoughts, our bad behaviors and our attitudes from time to time. But we must look past the emotions, look past the feelings and look at the cold hard facts......Am I justified by God's standards?

Just Call me Barnabas

2006-03-22T08:53:00.000-06:00

"Now Joseph, a Levite of Cyprian birth, who was also called Barnabas by the apostles (which translated means Son of Encouragement)," Acts 4:36

I am doing a study on relationships and last week was on encouraging one another and I have been meaning to write about it. Everybody needs a little encouragement from time to time. Every relationship in our lives needs encouragement in order for it to grow. "Encouragement is like water that when poured on the lives of people enable them to blossom, flourish and put forth their best effort rather than giving up when the circumstances of life threaten to press them down." We as God's children are instructed to encourage and build up one another. 1Thess. 5:11 states..."Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."

While doing this study I learned about a man named Barnabas and...WOW...what a man of encouragement, his name even means Son of Encouragement! "Then when he arrived and witnessed the grace of God, he rejoiced and began to encourage them all with resolute heart to remain true to the Lord; for he was a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith. And considerable numbers were brought to the Lord." Acts 11:23-24

This is the person I want to model myself after. I want to be someone who encourages others....builds others up. I want to be someone who brightens the lives of others, with words of love and encouragement. It would take me hours to name all the people in my life that have encouraged me in some way. So many of those people are in my life now and I just have to pick up the phone and I know words of wisdom and encouragement will be spoken. I want to be known as the same, that someone can pick up the phone and call me and I will speak those same words of encouragement to them. I don't want to become so busy that I lose track of what's really important...that I miss out on opportunities to serve others, encourage others, to help carry someone’s burdens.

In the book.. 25 Ways To Win With People by John C. Maxwell it gives us a valuable lesson.....within the first thirty seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person. I think that's a good lesson to learn and I plan to put it into practice!

Lord thank you for drawing my attention to how important it is to you that I lend words of encouragement and love to build others up around me. Help me to always have a heart to encourage others that they and I may be strengthen in you. Help me to be more like Barnabas and to encourage others to remain true to you. Thank you God for those you have put into my life that have held me up, that have offered me words of encouragement and have strengthen my walk with you. May your blessings be poured on their lives. Send me someone today Lord that I can lend an encouraging word to.

InTune

2006-03-18T11:35:00.000-06:00

I just finished some quiet time with God. I sat down to read my Bible and then pray, but for some reason I just felt the need to pray. I started praying random things. I would pray about something or someone and then just get lost in my thoughts. While praying at one point I told God that I felt so in-tune with him. Whoa...did that give me pause! So I sat there and I pondered that statement. Over the last few months life has brought me difficulties and changes and I have felt miles away from God. Way too much static that it was drowning out his voice.

But, today I realized even though some of the difficulties are still there and I am still facing those hated changes, God is still with me and there has been a turn around...his voice has drowned out the static. Peace has replaced fear, uncertainty and confusion.

So.....for today me and God are listening to the same station. I have laid down all my burdens, given them to him and he has picked them up to carry for me. Me and God...well, we have an understanding...I do what he tells me to do...and he promises me he'll take care of me.

It's a wonderful feeling to be this close to him, to be able to sing to the same music, to be able to rock to the melody of his love.

God.....sweet, sweet music.

Yesterday

2006-03-15T06:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was one of those days that was filled with memories that will last me for a lifetime. It was one of those days you could label a "little heaven on earth". The memories will sustain me...and make me cry at the same time through a rough time just under three weeks away.

In less than three weeks, two of my best friends will move from being just 5 miles away to 400+ miles away. I've known this was coming for a long time. I haven't cried over it in awhile...I've tried to be strong. There was work to be done. A home needed to be sold...time needed to be spent together and memories needed to be made. Well...the home was sold last week, so now we are on too making as many wonderful memories together as possible. Yesterday was one of those time spent together, memory making days. It was random and not really planned, starting in the early afternoon and that was what made it all the more special. So here are my lifetime lasting memories to share with you from yesterday. It will be random...just like yesterday.

Cookies in the oven....Cajun food on the stove and way too much eaten!

A three year old little boy asleep on my bed and a 26 year old "little boy"...missing a front tooth...asleep on the living room floor.

A five year old coloring and drawing at the kitchen table...an eleven year old enjoying spring break playing on the computer.

Three girlfriends in various state of dress ranging from pj's to sweatpants coloring with the five year old or snuggled under blankets on the sofa watching a movie, one of them almost hacking up a lung!

Pride and high fives going around because the three year old went "shuwee" in the potty!

Cups of coffee.

Two hours of American Idol. (Go Taylor!)

Feelings of love, comfort, togetherness, friendship, sadness of the impending doom and a level of contentment I haven't felt in a long time.

Mental brain pictures taken to pull out in just under three weeks when a level of sadness will enclose my heart.

Time together with my friends...no...My family. God's family. The family that God has so blessed me with.

Thank you, Kelly, Ty, Carrie, Jordan, Titus and Nick for giving me a day of blessings, a day of lasting memories.........a yesterday.

I have to go cry now!

Psalm 139

2006-03-09T09:23:00.000-06:00

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Yesterday morning while doing my quiet time the devotion I was doing said for me to read a chapter in Psalm. After reading it, for some reason I turned a couple of pages and begin to read Psalm 139. And For some reason I started reading it out loud and from the very first verse the tears started flowing and didn't stop for awhile. There was a point that I was so choked up I could barely get the words out. I don't know why...it just struck me somewhere deep inside and it touched me beyond what I can explain!

"You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid your hand upon me (verse 5) isn't that amazing to know that God has me covered...from the back...from the front...and his hands are on me"! What protection......! God has my back...!

"Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them" (verse 16) As I struggle over some issues in my life, it is comforting to know that my God has it all worked out already. He knows what the next few days will bring, he knows already that there is a rainbow at the end of the struggle and he already knows that I will get there! He has faith in me.

"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!..If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand, When I awake, I am still with you". (verse 17-18) Well...all I can say is...Wow; God must really love me to think of me that much.

Note: Sorry to everyone that I haven't written much...I've just been kinda empty. I am doing okay it's just weird that I have had a hard time wanting to sit down and write. The passion hasn't been there. Thanks to all who check up on me via email, it's wonderful to know my writing has been missed. I promise to do better!

A Special Thank You

2006-03-01T10:49:00.000-06:00

To my special friends Patrick & Raquel....thank you for caring for me.

Thank you Raquel for coming to my "rescue" Monday night by just coming an sit with me even though you were tired. And thank you Patrick for coming to my house after only getting 3 hoursof sleep the night before and flying in form California, just to give me hug.

I am so blessed to have you both in life.

BLESSINGS.....!

Is it Christmas Yet?

2006-03-01T10:40:00.000-06:00

It's been explained to me that on the other side of valley there is always a mountain top, also that going through trials and trouble there is always a blessing at the end. People have told me this, and God's word confirms it; "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:27..... "I will make them and the places around My hill a blessing. And I will cause showers to come down in their season; they will be showers of blessings." Ezekiel34:26 Well...right now I am in that valley and I am experiencing those trials and troubles and I am desperately looking for the mountain top and the promised blessings.

I kind of equate it to waiting for Christmas. All of us experience that anticipation of getting to open our presents on Christmas morning. For weeks before we wonder what is wrapped in the boxes. We pick them up and shake them just a little and we speculate on what's inside. It makes us crazy...we want to know what we are getting...the anticipation almost kills us! Over the last few days while feeling like that everything is falling apart, I have desperately kept my eyes on Jesus. Oh...I have had my bad day or two, but for whatever reason I keep moving forward. I'm learning to take it one day at a time. I am learning to look at the troubles as blessings waiting to be opened on God's appointed "Christmas" day. God has a purpose for what I am experiencing and I have to ask him what that is and have an open heart to receive it. Psalm 119:71 says "It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes." When a storm rages in our lives, God already knows how he will turn that storm into good.

So...I am waiting for "Christmas", waiting to open my blessing. I wonder, I dream, I speculate on what it could be. Could it be a financial burden lifted...could it be the husband I've been praying for...could it be my son accepting Christ into his life...could it be that I will find my true purpose? I know one thing I'm getting, a closer relationship with my Savior along with a dose of stronger faith.

VIVA...LAS VEGAS!!

2006-02-20T22:35:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to let all my readers know I will be in Las Vegas for the next three days for a convention, so don't freak out when you don't see any new posts!!

I will be living it up Vegas style!!

You know what they say......What happens in Vegas...stays in Vegas!

Love to all!

100% Me - Approved and Accepted!

2006-02-16T09:35:00.000-06:00

You know I hadn't plan on writing this today, I had another post started and just needed some finishing touches and I was going to post it. Well, things have changed and I now feel compelled after watching a Joel Osteen program to write something totally different. Joel talked about negative feelings....about ourselves. "Feeling good about who you are" was the title of his sermon. Over the last few weeks I have lived in that world of negative feelings...about me. Feelings of unworthiness, feelings of not being good enough, feelings that I needed to change who I was. What Joel had to say about this really made me think. (I will use a lot of what he said in this post put into my own words) Living in a world of negative feelings-not towards others-but towards myself is damaging and not in agreement with God. When I am critical with myself than I am being critical of God...because he created me. He created me for good, for his purpose and I have to believe he knows what he is doing. It is the enemy’s job to accuse me, to point out all my faults, to give me the nagging feeling that something is wrong with me, that somehow I don't measure up and It is up to me who I listen too.

A couple days ago I wrote on the qualities of love and how as Christians we must show these qualities to others as a witness for God. But I never placed the same idea on applying those qualities to myself. God commands us to love one another, to love our neighbor as OURSELVES. So in other words we can not properly love our neighbor as God intended if we don't love and accept ourselves. Wow! You can't give away something you don't have. If I have negative feelings about myself it will affect my relationships with others and worst of all my relationship with God. What I send out ...the feelings I have of myself...is what will come back to me. I can spend all my time loving others, but If I don't love me that love will never reach them. Love starts with God, it flows to me and it is then up to me how it flows out of me. I can change my rags of condemnation for robes of righteousness (good one, Joel!) I can take inventory of what I am good at, not keep list of what I am not. When I can do this, I can live out and give out the love that I was intended to.

I must have a better opinion of myself, get into agreement with God. I must not let condemning voices take root in my mind. Instead of picking on myself I must try and do my best. Will I fail....yes! But God knows my heart, he knows I desire to be a better person and he is on my side. He is not focused on my faults, he's not keeping a list of those faults, he's sees the diamond in the rough and everything I am trying to do right. He is not focused on all my bad moves; he forgets them the minute I ask for forgiveness, he focuses on all my good moves. The ones that make a difference, the ones that impact his kingdom. And when I am feeling less then worthy, less than perfect, he asks me to lean on him and he will make the changes that are needed to perfect me.

So this is me, I am; outgoing..friendly..compassionate..loving..caring..sensitive..deep..open..real.. romantic..giving..funny..attractive (yeah, I said it!)..an improvement over yesterday..and most of all a woman who's sole purpose and desire is to seek after God. Notice, I didn't put any negatives....oh believe me I have some and I really would like to change them, but little by little I am growing and making progress in becoming more on who I can become and not focusing on who I am not. God is pleased with me, he approves of me, he accepts me just the way I am.....warts and all. I am starting to feel good about who I am. I am beginning to get into agreement, that I am a child of the most high God and if he accepts me and loves me, than I accept me and love me.

I may not be who I want to be yet, but thank God I am not who I used to be!

I am 100% Me - Approved and Accepted by God! Well if I'm good enough for him.........I am good enough for me!

Love

2006-02-14T13:00:00.000-06:00

In honor of today being Valentines Day it seemed appropriate to write on love. The one thing most people place the most importance on. Most of us would give up success, money, power all for just a hint of real love.....I know I would! Love can bring so much happiness, joy and fulfillment. We can find it in so many place; our spouses, our children, our friends and family and the most divine love of all...with our Savior. We enjoy being and feeling loved and we also enjoy showing and giving love. Love is the most powerful, positive emotion a person can experience, and we were all created with that need.

I read something today that I would like to share. It was an article written on the impact of Godly love and it used the parable about the prodigal son. What a wonderful story of love, compassion and forgiveness. Here is what the article stated as the Qualities of Love:

Love energizes
Love heals
Love encourages
Love has power to forgive
Love brings about generosity
Love enables joyful serving
Love restores
Love builds self esteem
Love is kind

I wonder what kind of world we would live in if every person would express these qualities of love. As Christians this is our job to live out these qualities so that people can see God in us. It affects our witness to others and impacts God's kingdom. Just as love influences our own life we must use love to touch others.

I want to wish all my friends today in honor of Valentines that they find the love that God meant for them to have. I wish for them to find the agape love that comes only to us by the Holy Spirit. To have the love of family, friends, and the passionate, romantic love that comes from a mate (something I'm still searching for!). Know that I love each of you with all of the above qualities and you all bring blessings to me.

Happy Valentines Day!!

The Elephant Is Gone

2006-02-08T07:43:00.000-06:00

There has been an very big and ugly elephant standing in the way of a relationship. He was blocking the path to a person that meant so much to me. He was very scary and I was too much of a coward to ask him to move. He was too tall to climb over and every time I would try and go around him he would hit me with his big trunk, knock me to the ground and step on my heart.

He wasn't a very nice elephant.

So, last night over a plate of spagetti, an hour of American Idol and a little heart to heart, the elephant was tackled, bound, put in a crate, placed on a ship and was set sail for......well....I really don't care where.

I didn't like that elephant. I hope I never see him again.

The Obstacle of Pride

2006-02-07T11:41:00.000-06:00

"but the worries of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful." Mark 4:19

Yesterday I wrote about a stronghold that I suffer with and how God has convicted me of it. So I put it out there, I "confessed" it and repented of it. So I started moving forward, convictions over and in place. Man, was I wrong! God definitely wasn't done with me yet. He still had some convicting to do and whoa....did it hit me square between the eyes!

I sat down to do my quiet time this morning and started a new week in my Beth Moore study. The week was titled "To Glorify God", innocent enough it seemed. I do that already I thought, maybe she can teach me something new. Whoa......wrong again! What the week is about is pride and how it hinders us from glorifying God. A mind captive to self was the title for Day 1. What do you think about when you first awake in the morning... is the first question she asks. Okay there it was, a straight shot...square between the eyes! The last few weeks of "morning" I have woke thinking about me and my image and what was wrong with me. I'm not good enough, people don't love me as I am, I need to change....in other words I was suffering from low self-esteem. Pride wears many masks, she goes on to say, even the mask of low self-esteem. Ouch...that hurt! Most people associate pride with people who think too much of themselves, who are self centered and think they are better than others. Well I have learned that even low self-esteem is self centered. Anything not captive to the glorifying of God is pride. Humility is God-focused not self-focused.

I have been showcasing me rather than him. Something I desire and have expressed too many people, is that people will see God in me. I don't want to walk into a store, a meeting or even church and have people look at me and say...wow she looks good, I love her outfit; I wonder where she got it. Although this is something I enjoy knowing, that people find me attractive and think I dress really "cool"; I don't want this to be my focus. I desire that when I walk in front of people they see something different about me, a light so bright that they have to shield their eyes... I want them to see God. I don't want them to wonder where I got my outfit; I want them to wonder where is that light coming from and where do I find it. I want them to want what I have in Jesus, the true glory that comes in having him in my life.

So I think back over the last couple of weeks and the many times I have been in front of people and I wonder did they see that light that I so desire to shine? Nope...I don't think so. I have been too self-focused instead of God-focused. My light hasn't left but it has dimmed because I have hidden it under a cloak of low self-esteem...of pride. How many times have I missed showing God to people? How many opportunities have I lost while thinking of myself, to talk God to someone that needs to know him? Pride is satan’s specialty, it's what got him expelled from heaven and he will use this tool to bring us down even in the form of low self-esteem... anything that doesn't keep us God-focused. Pride is an enemy that destroys lives, relationships, marriages, ministries, but most importantly it destroys our chance to shine God’s glory. It destroys our usefulness.

I have a calling, I know that. I know that God is working through me to bring the gospel to people and not just the unsaved, but the saved as well. He wants people to see that what he can bring to their lives by what they see in me. Someone in my church that I respect and I strive to attain the Godly-ness that she portrays sent me an email and told me that she admires me and she looks up to me. What?!....Me?! But I look up to her, how can she look up to me? I had shared with her my weakness with depression and she reminded me of a line in the song we sang in church on Sunday..."you use the weak to lead the strong" and then she gave me the scripture of 2 Corinthians 12:9.."And he has said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Sometimes it's had to see ourselves as a instrument of God through our weakness’, we just want to get rid of them, make them go away, but as the rest of the scripture says: "Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." Humility comes only from admitting our weaknesses."

Whoa, to those that think pride is a problem only in the lost or unsaved or that it is only defined with the people that think highly of themselves...what a wrong road you are on. I have learned this today. I am a Christian and I suffer from pride. I don't think highly of myself, neither am I conceited, but yet I suffer from pride. I have not made every important undertaking the last few weeks; God glorifying. I have not desired his glory above my own and in my service to others I have not shown God in me. God can only show himself great and mighty through the humble. He wants to make himself recognizable through me and if I allow my focus to become about me than it makes him unrecognizable.

This is a difficult lesson to learn and I have had to fall upon my knees in repentance (and confess it on this blog) and I am crying as I write this knowing that once again I am showing myself in a not so pretty light....but I do this, I hope in a spirit of humbleness. There is another conviction that God is working on me and I will write on it soon when I am able to admit to it. Pray for me friends! Pray that I live my life without pride, that I live a God-focused life. To live the life that I so desire and that God desires for me.

I leave you with this scripture and one last thought: My hand made all these things, Thus all these things came into being, declares the Lord. But to this one I will look, To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word" Isaiah 66;2 - What an amazing thought... having God look to me! For God to respect me when I remove the obstacle of pride: I want that, I desire that! As Beth Moore put it "God just likes to hang out with humble people" WOW!

The Bricks of Insecurity

2006-02-05T23:38:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: This blog in no way is meant to hurt anyone, make anyone feel guilty and most importantly these are my problems and my convictions and are not meant to point at anyone else. I can not stress this point enough, this is about my feelings. I also am not trying to enlist anyone to feel sorry for me and to change the way they talk or act around me. I would hate that more than you could imagine.

It has taken me several days to write this blog. It has not been easy and I have walked away many times refusing to write anymore. I have cried so much and prayed so much that I don't feel like I have anything left to give. This is not something most people want to share with others, to be this real is scary. It wasn't until this morning at church that I realized - by something Kyle said in his sermon - that I knew I had to face it, I had to bring God my Song of Pain. I had to deal with it. I do not want this stronghold to hinder my approach into the 40 days study that is starting this week. We were asked to come to the front of the church and dedicate the next few weeks in really finding what God has for us through this study. I knew until I faced my problem I could not give to the study what was needed in order to truly learn the Purpose that God has for me. So here it is what I have been struggling with the last few days and why I haven't written any blogs. Here I am being real and letting people see me in what I consider a not so pretty light........

The other day while talking with my friend Amanda on the phone she told me about going to a women's meeting at her church the night before. She told me that the speaker for the night was wearing a backpack and she had bricks with words written on them of things that as women we struggle with. She had someone place them in her backpack, one by one. By the time the bricks were all in the backpack the woman could barely walk. She did this to demonstrate all the different things- or feelings- as women that we carry everyday on our shoulders. This story really stuck with me over the last few days and I have realized that my backpack is full of bricks of insecurity. My shoulders are heavy from carrying them around and I really want to lay them down.

The fear or the feeling of being unloved is probably my greatest source of insecurity. My relationships with my friends have been in the forefront of my life the last few days I have been searching for my value and my place and have not come up with the answers I wanted. I have always struggled with friendships and trying hard to find my value within them. This is something I hate about myself and it is something I wish I could desperately change! I always seem to have the feelings that friends given the choice would really rather be with someone else than me. I know they love me and I know I am not bad to be around but they would choose someone else if they could. I have seen it happen lately and it hurts. I don't want it too and I try to fight it and not take it personal: but still it hurts. Being left out is something no one enjoys, neither is feeling second best. I often wonder what is wrong with me; do I not give enough to my relationships? Have I been less than attentive or loving? Do I give too much of myself and it turns people off? What can I change to make them love me more? I have often thought the last couple of weeks about walking away and starting over somewhere else. Go somewhere where no one knows me and not allowing anyone to get close to me, that way I won't get hurt.

I know that some of you are already shaking your head and saying she's crazy and self centered (please see disclaimer above) and soooo...insecure. Yep, I am insecure that’s the whole point of this blog. I am not saying that I should be the only friend that my friends should have. This could not be farther from the truth! I am the type of person that loves having a multitude of friends and could never be satisfied with just one and would never expect someone else too either. I HATE, HATE having these feelings of insecurities!! I often cry wondering what it must feel like to be truly loved, to really feel safe within a relationship. To know that I bring value to someone’s life. That spending time with me is not something they feel they should do, but something they want to do.

You have to understand these feelings are not something that have just developed over the last few days or even months, it is something that has hounded me for most of my life. I have never felt secure in anyone’s love. To understand this you have to look into my past and see why I struggle. I had no father and the mother I had was so self centered that she didn't have room to love me. I have been physically, emotionally and sexually abused over and over again growing up by people close to me and that were meant to protect me. At the age of sixteen I finally thought God had sent me a man to take the place of the father I never had but.... he had other ideas other than being my father. My own mother threaten to get a lawyer and take my home from me just a few months ago because I had not paid back some money I owed her. Can you begin to see why I struggle with insecurities and the feeling of not being loved or feeling under valued? People that you expect to love you unconditionally, don't. People that you think should care what happens to you, don't. So many of my friends can't understand this because they have never been there. They grew up in loving homes knowing they were loved and that they could trust that love.

God spoke to me a couple weeks ago while struggling with this issue and he has convicted me. He has told me instead of looking for value, I am to give value. Instead of trying to have a best friend, BE the best friend. Instead of always sitting by the same person at lunch or at the movie, sit with someone else that may feel insecure in her place in people’s lives. Instead of dwelling on my insecurities, make some woman feel secure in me. There are so many women right before my eyes that are looking for a friend to feel safe with, someone to show them that they matter, and someone to make a place for them. This is not easy to do, I want to stay inside my comfort zone, but I have realized that my comfort zone doesn't exist anymore. This a excerpt from an email that I sent to Michelle L. a couple of weeks ago after I had my "light bulb” moment:

"I think I had a "light bulb" go off last night at Starbucks. Lindsay, LoriAnn and I were talking about our comfort zone and how we were being taken outside them. I realized that is exactly what God wanted me to do. He wants me to stop putting so much "stock" into a friendship and most importantly stepping out and seeing what (or who) could be out there. I have struggled most of my life on the friendship thing. Always feeling like I am never good enough or that someone is always better than me. Always believing that a friend would rather be with someone else besides me. I know many women struggle with this and many of them could be within the circle of women at GM. Actually I know of a couple. I think God wants me to reach out to them, reach out to people I would not normally reach out to. I think he wants me to be someone a woman can feel safe with. A friend, that when they are with me they feel wanted and needed. I think he wants me to give to them the one thing I have always struggled with, value. I see the way some of the ladies of GM respond to me and I want to develop that and make them feel secure in my love for them. Some of them have reached out to me but I always focused on my other friendships. God is asking me to step outside of looking for validation to giving that validation to others."

I have looked too much for others to fill my empty cup by seeking approval, affirmation and value and have been miserable until something or someone has filled it. Although I believe it is not wrong to have the need to be loved but... it is wrong to think I can make anyone love me the way I need to be loved. This can only be done by the love given to me by God. He is the only one that is never turned off by my overwhelming need to be loved and valued. He seeks to give this love to me, for me to find completeness in him and only Him. He is the only one I should be offering my empty cup and asking him to fill it with, himself. So many people have told me that God will never send me the husband I so desire until I make him my only desire. I think it's more like he won't send him until I have left these insecurities behind and trust only in his love. I can never love or believe in someone else's love until my heart has been satisfied by God's love first. I have to get to that place that God is my only value and the only system to which I measure it. This will be the hardest thing I have ever tried to conquer and It probably will not happen over night. I will digress and take something someone said or did and place my insecurities on it. I have tried the last couple of weeks to do what I feel God told me to do and so of course satan has been on the prowl feeding into my insecurity and it has crippled me. I have let my feelings get the best of me and I have been shutting down. Insecurity is a stronghold in my life and is not allowing me to live the life that God wants and has asked me to live. I have an overwhelming desire to overcome this stronghold and I feel like God has challenged me in this a lot the last few weeks to help me see that he is the only source of power that will allow me the freedom I seek.

Because I am trying to renew my mind and learning to seek God as my only source of value, I am asking that no one respond with comments to this blog. I have no doubt some of you want to comment and tell me that you love me and value me, but please don't....I probably won't believe you anyway. All I ask is that you pray for me, pray that I will find the love and security that I so desperately seek in the only true place I can find it.

Father help me to abide in your love. Help me to seek you always, to never stray from your side. Help me to overcome this stronghold that has wrapped itself around my life and my soul. Give me freedom from it. I so desperately need to feel loved and you are the only source in which I can fill that need. Help me to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be something I am not in order to get others to love me. Help me to look only to you and who you want me to be. "Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning: For I trust in you: Teach me the way in whick I should walk: For to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8

Dying to self

2006-01-28T09:18:00.000-06:00

I read the below poem on another blog site I follow and I thought it was a good one to share with my readers. Thanks V. for giving me somehting that I needed on the very day I needed it. While reading it myself I became totally convicted on every statement made. I struggle with all of the issues that it addresses. I don't know about all of you, but I know......

I have a lot of dying to do.

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don’t sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ. THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence. THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any im-punctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to- face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured. THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any raiment, or any interruption by the will of God. THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown. THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances. THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart. THAT IS DYING TO SELF
Are you dead yet?

I'm Thankful for...............My Friends

2006-01-26T10:35:00.000-06:00

Okay, I have to warn you this will be a very, very long post! When writing about my friends I can't just write a line or two, there are too many things to be said. I believe that God gives us friends in our lives to influence us, to hold us up, to take care of us and most importantly to love us. I count myself blessed to have the greatest and I mean the greatest group of friends in the world! They are there for me, they care about what happens to me and they love me. So if you have some time, pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee and learn more about the people who are the most important people in my life

Kelly - my little sister, my 25 yr old mom, my therapist, my confidant, my teacher, my fashion coordinator, my coffee buddy... and the list goes on. She has always been a breath of fresh air in my life. It amazes me sometimes how a twenty-five year old and a forty-year old could have so much in common and can be such good friends. She is one of my strongest supporters, but at the same time she will not allow me wallow within a world of self pity. Her famous line is "Buck-up baby"! She has a quiet spirit about her that calms me. I have never met someone so young with so much wisdom. She can usually get through to me better then most people. I feel safe with her. She lives the closest to me and we have shared countless cups of coffee and countless thoughts on life, God, friends, families and just about everything else. She will break my heart in a few weeks when she moves away. But I will forgive her. I will have to, because without her I am not complete.

Raquel - The best way I can describe her is; it's like you are constantly being hugged when you are in her presence. It's a place of warmth and a place of security. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt when she is with you, there is no other place she would rather be. She has the sweetest disposition and a hilarious sense of humor. Her laugh is contagious and you can't help but laugh along. She truly seems to be a happy woman. I strive for that level of contentment I see in her. And she is totally and absolutely in love with her husband! I can see it in her eyes and it makes me envious (in a good way!) of that kind of love. Oh and she has the most beautiful skin! I was drawn to her the minute she started attending our church and what a blessing she has become to my life!

Carrie - My "I" personality counterpart! We both have this outgoing, smiling, and talkative personality, so you can only imagine what happens when we get together, neither one of us can get a word in! She is my favorite friend to shop with, because she makes it so much fun. She is like a kid in a candy store! Also she likes to eat just like I do and doesn't try and hide it. She is also my Pastor's wife and one of the most influential women in my life. She has shown me so many times that she is not perfect and this is a comfort to me. If a pastors wife isn't perfect, then that means I don't have to be! I always introduce her to my friends as my pastor's wife (this makes her uncomfortable sometimes, people tend to shut down when you mention pastor!) because I am so proud to be able to call her that. She truly loves her church and all the people in it and sets a great example for all of us to follow. She is also gorgeous! (Or as my 19yr. old son says "hot") Oh yeah....she is also the mother to two of my favorite boys (besides my own)!

Michele - "He who walks with wise men will be wise...." Proverbs 13:20 I heard that scripture quoted on a program I was watching once and Michelle immediately came to my mind. She is my spiritual mentor, the most influential when it comes to growing in my spiritual life. She has counseled me on spiritual things more times then I can count. She has also heard me cry more times then I can count! What's special about her is she never tells me the answer, she will just continue asking me questions until I answer my question myself. It is sometimes very frustrating but she is teaching me to be the "wise one". She is our women's Pastor and it is truly a role she was meant to play. Her heart knows no bounds when it comes to loving the women of our church. She envelopes all us women within a cocoon of love and draws us to each other. I know she is the main reason the women of our church are so close knit. She has already been through what I am going through right now: divorced single mom trying to make ends meet. Now she has a husband, a family and the role of a lifetime. It gives me so much hope! She is truly my role model!

Amanda - sweet, sweet, Amanda. I can not believe the woman she has become! She is truly a changed person and she is striving everyday to be even better. Her blog is one I go to each day looking for inspiration. Her thoughts are written about life and what she is achieving and growing everyday in her walk with God. There is a special bond that she and I share. Both our childhoods were less than perfect, sometimes downright horrible. Because of this we suffer with some of the same character "flaws" but we both are striving to overcome them. Do you ever think Amanda, how blessed we are to be the women we are today after all we have been through? I do! We are strong women and God allowed those things to happen so we could be those strong women, and be an inspiration to others, so don't you forget it! There is one other bond we share, there is an area of my life I can only truly open my heart and share with only her. She knows what it is. I told her once in an email, I didn't know why she was the only one I could really open up to on the subject and she told me she felt honored. Well be honored Amanda because you hold a place of honor in my life! Ohhh....did I forget to mention she has the most amazing voice! Man, can she sing!! I miss hearing her voice on Sundays since she moved away, but that's okay I'll get to hear her voice again at my wedding!

Erin - My running buddy and my newest friend. I have enjoyed immensely getting to know her! We started out running together for exercise and have become good friends. I went over for dinner last night at her house and she made me the most delicious meal! Wow, a new friend and she knows how to cook! I had the opportunity to go with her a couple weeks back and shop for her wedding dress and I had such a great time! I felt honored that she asked me to go and give my opinions; she even ended up choosing my favorite one! Hopefully she will return the favor one day when I go shopping for my own wedding dress! She has started a new blog and I can't wait to hear more of what she has to say.

Linda - This is my "lets have a good time" friend. Wild and crazy is the best to describe her! Of course she is the is first one I called when I wanted to get a tattoo to celebrate turning forty and of course she went with me! We have been friends for about 7 years now and even though we don't see each other about every three months (which is crazy we live in the same town!) we always pick up where we left off. I know when I am with her we will have fun!

Deanne - My oldest and dearest friend. We have been friends now for over ten years. We met while working at a women's clothing store in Chicago. Ugh....do you remember us wearing leggings and big, bulky and long sweaters over them, Deanne? Whatever were we thinking! She lives in San Diego, so I don't get to see her much, but she is always on my mind and firmly planted in my heart. I got to go to San Diego this past summer and attend her wedding. She was soooo...beautiful. She came out here in November and stayed with me for a weekend and we had so much fun. I miss you, Deanne!

I have so many other friends in my life and I can't possible write about all of them. So many special women and I really would love to get to know each of them better. I had lunch with Cindy (and Peyton) yesterday and we had a great time and I am looking forward to getting to know her better. To each of you not mentioned, I still love you!

Okay, I imagine by now the guys are asking hey, what about me! Don't worry I didn't forget about you!

Ty - my surrogate little brother. He takes care of me and looks out for me. He doesn't do it because he is married to one of my best friends he does it because he wants to. He is my handyman around the house, changing light bulbs, changing air filters and lets not forget the countless times he has fixed my computer! He doesn't mind coming over my house and hanging out even if there is no other men here, he's okay just hanging and talking with Kelly and I, of course if dinner is involved, well that makes it all the better! I know that who ever I plan to marry one day will definitely have to go to Ty and ask permission. It's so great having him in my corner!

Patrick - What a great friend! I love being around Patrick, I feel comfortable when I am with him. And to mimic what I said about his wife (Raquel) I have no doubt when he is with me, there is no place he would rather be. He also doesn't mind just hanging with Raquel and I, actually we do this a lot, just the three of us. We both have the same "I" personality and have great times together. I'm not sure what drew me to him and his wife, but we share a special bond, a kinship and I count myself so blessed that I know him! He is also an awesome guitar player and he plays on our worship team at church. Nicholas my eleven year old really likes him too and even said the other day he would rather be with Patrick then his older brother! Hey if he's good enough for my son he's good enough for me. Love you, bro!

Tim - The most influential man in my life. My pastor and someone I can call my friend. So many pastors of churches don't make friends with their parishioners (at least that's my experience in the past), but not Tim. He gets down in the trenches with us, he enjoys life with us, he spends time with us. Tim and I have a special bond we share; he is the person that led me to Christ. Through many conversations and emails on God, church, and grace he inspired me to give God a try. I am so glad I did! I still have the copies of the emails he sent me in the beginning and every once and awhile I pull them out and read them and I cry and thank God that he gave him just the right words to reach me. But his influence didn't stop there. He continues to influence and teach me each Sunday morning on how to be a better Christian, to be a better person. He always makes time for me if I need him, meeting me for lunch or communicating through emails. I don't think he knows how truly blessed I feel to have him in my life and how much I truly love him. I strive everyday to prove to him(in a good way) that making the choice to reach out to me was a good one. He loves his church and his God given vision for growing it and making it into a place of refuge for the saved and the unsaved is truly a blessing. I am so blessed to call him my pastor! I love you more than words can say.

Michael L. - Michael and I wouldn't be what you would call best friends. We don't spend a lot of time together, but we share a bond that is hard to explain. We both run our own business and we understand the struggles associated with that. I like to think that some of my prayers during the time he was trying so desperately to get his new business off the ground made a difference. Man, did I pray, because I knew what it was like! Michael is also one of the funniest men I know. He totally cracks me up! Keep up the good work, Michael. I know you will be blessed.

There you have it, my friends in a nutshell (or rather a very long post!) God must truly love me to bless me with so many wonderful, God loving, Christian friends! I love all of you!!!!

p.s. I forgot to mention my newest friend, Baxter. The first couple of times I went over Baxter’s house he kinda scared me, but last night we reached a new level in our relationship. He actually came up to me and allowed me to pet him. See, Baxter is my friend Erin’s very big rotweiller (sp?) dog. He doesn’t usually take to people very well I am told, so I am humbled by him allowing me to touch him. I look forward to getting to know you better, Baxter!

I'm Thankful for...............My Home

2006-01-25T07:05:00.000-06:00

I have lived in my current home just over a year and a half now and I can say that I still love it! It has truly been a place of comfort for me, a safe haven. I bought it after my divorce and it’s much smaller than the home I had before, but no matter, it's just the size I need. Plus it's mine, bought and paid for by me, and it screams of me and my personality. Every piece of furniture, every accessory and every picture on the wall, makes it more of a home for me. Ohhh....the best part is I have the most awesome closet; big!

It tends to be a place of "hanging" for my friends. We always seem to end up here. So many Friday nights are spent here with all my "Friday night date night" friends. I asked someone what they would rather do this past Friday night, go to a restaurant or cook dinner over my house...they choose my house. I love that! I love that my friends find my home a fun place to come to. They know that they can come, put their feet up, and just chill. I have always loved to entertain and the group of friends that I have that I can do it for, makes it all the more special.

Being in the business of Real Estate I'm constantly walking through other homes and although I see some beautiful, huge and expensive ones, it never makes me envious. I am perfectly happy where I am. This is rare in this day and age. People want bigger, they want better, they want more expensive and they want every possible upgrade you can put in them. I see it everyday in my line of work. It is so refreshing when I come across a client that buys a home based on what they can afford comfortably and that fits the needs of their family and not one that fits their need to impress their friends. I think I could be happy here for many years. (Unless of course I marry some guy who has four or five kids...we'll definitely need a bigger one!)

But, you know what's best about my home? God lives here. His presence is throughout every room and in every corner. This is his home too, because I have welcomed him in and made a place for him. This is the first home that I have lived in that I have had a relationship with God and it makes it a special, special place for me.

I'm Thankful for........Clothes, Shoes and all things Bling Bling!

2006-01-24T16:47:00.000-06:00

I am a girl in every sense of the word! I love fashion! I love clothes! I love jewelry...aka, bling bling! And most of all I have a huge love affair with SHOES! Every shape, color, style, I LOOOVE them all! And let's not forget about our lipstick, that is one of my favorite accessories, it's the finishing touch to any outfit.

I get fashion inspiration from so many areas, magazines, television or just walking into a store and seeing their display. But, most of my inspiration comes from my friends. I have some of the most fashionable friends! Oh man, do they dress "cool"! One of them can wear something and it makes me want to run out and buy it for myself! Believe me I have done it. Carrie and I saw a picture of our friend Amanda and loved the outfit she was wearing and both of us went out and bought the same thing (or close to it). Sorry if I am a copy cat, just look at it as the best form of flattery! But if I can't go out and buy it, I just borrow it! One of the most said lines between my friends is....Can I borrow that!

I know my friends also consider me fashionable. Very often on Sunday mornings I get a call from someone asking to borrow something, usually jewelry. And I always get a call from a certain someone before they leave for a vacation asking if she can come raid my closet. I may be forty years old, but I dress like I’m still in my twenties! I refuse to dress frumpy just because I'm growing older. I will remain fashionable till the day I die and my friends better make sure I'm wearing a "killer" outfit when they put me in my coffin. If not, hauntings and nightmares will occur!!

I love to shop at the Gap- their jeans fit me the best, Banana Republic Outlet- can't afford the regular store, and of course anywhere shoes are sold! Oh and the best place to buy bling bling....yes, you guessed it SAM MOON! That is a place where a girl swoons at being surrounded by all things glittery! Thanks to them I now have accessory to match every outfit and any mood. It’s so much fun going into to my closet and having so much to choose from each day! I just got back from meeting a friend there and bought a pair of earrings and a necklace to add to the million I already have! A girl can never have too many earrings or for that matter shoes! Oh yeah, and shirts too....oh, and how about jeans.....and bracelets.....and necklaces and...........

(Sorry to all the guys who read my blog, it's just a girl thing!)

The Comfort Zone

2006-01-23T18:00:00.000-06:00

Everybody has their comfort zone and knows exactly what and where it is. It's the place where you feel the safest, the most at home and the most happy. It's a place we don't have to pretend to be something we're not. It's a place where we can just be ourselves. There is usually no fear within the comfort zone because it's familiar and we don't have to step out and take chances. This comfort zone covers all areas of our lives, our relationships, our job, our finances, even the places that we shop. We even put our relationship with God within a comfort zone; big mistake!

But what happens when we find ourselves outside our comfort zone? Our lives are turned upside down, we don't which way is up and we desperately try to find our way back to that place of comfort, to that place of safety. We pretend it's not happening and if we just pinch ourselves we'll wake up and everything will be as it was. We don't want the change, we were comfortable just the way we are, thank you very much! Most of the time it's fear that motivates us to stay within the comfort of what we know, it's the fear of the unknown that scares us. This is usually the part that gets me. But sometimes it's not fear that keeps us there, its laziness or selfishness. We become stagnant and too comfortable, and we are unwilling to take a chance on seeing what else could be out there. We think everything’s okay in our current comfort zone, so we don't see any need to add or delete anything. We have a good job, we have a best friend, we have a few extra dollars in the bank and really who needs any other place to shop besides the Gap! Oh yeah, and then there is God, we become comfortable in our walk and we stop pursuing a deeper relationship with him and only pull him out when we want something (that's where selfishness comes in).

But at what price are we paying when we are unwilling to step outside our comfort zone? What opportunities are we passing up? Could there be a better job out there that will fulfill us more and with it maybe allow more than just a "few dollars" in the bank. And what about friends, could there be someone out there that could fulfill a need in us that we don't even know we have. Or.... just maybe we can fulfill a need within them. And we all know that pursuing a closer relationship with God is not always easy and we may be asked to step out on faith and out of our comfort zone. What blessings are we missing when we are unwilling to do this?

Over the last couple of years I have been placed outside my comfort zone many, many times! Some of it by choice and some of it by force. I went from being married for 18 years to being out on my own. I have gone from living a selfish life the way that I wanted, to turning it over to God and living it the way he tells me to. Leading a women’s Bible study put me outside my comfort zone. After all, I had only been a Christian for a little over a year and what could I possibly teach someone else! Oh and the praying out loud in front of people; way outside of my comfort zone! I'm still struggling with that one!

But most recently in the last month I have been forced to step way outside my comfort level. The biggest being in my job and the way it’s always been. Things are not as they were and big changes are happening. With this comes the fear that nothing that comes with the changes can put me back inside the comfort zone I had known so well. Challenges lay ahead and chances need to be taken and this scares me to death. It is said that what God takes away he gives back tenfold. Well, in the confines of my comfort zone I fail to see this.

There is one other area of my life that has been changing and I have been fighting it every step of the way. I have pleaded with God asking him why? I just couldn't understand, I couldn't grasp what could possibly come out of it. The answer came to me last night while talking to a couple of friends at Starbucks during our women's church social. We were talking about how much God was taking us out of our comfort zone and taking us down paths we didn't ever think we would go in a million years. I was explaining to them how I had stepped out when deciding to lead a bible study and suddenly the "light bulb" went off and I knew then why this area of my life was changing. God was asking me to step outside of the comfort zone I had safely hidden myself in. Let go and step outside and see what else he has in store for me. I think I know why he's asking me to do this and what his plan is. I still have some talking with him to do and some searching to make sure this is the path he wants me to be on.

It hasn't gotten easier to step outside my comfort zone even with all the times I have had to do it. But life is about changes. With these changes we have to sometimes stretch our comfort zone to allow for something or someone to be added to it. And sometimes the changes narrow our comfort zone when something or someone is deleted from it. I can fight it and make it more painful or I can just let go and know that whatever is changing my perceived comfort zone, God has a reason. This is the only comfort I need.

I'm Thankful for..............Reading!

2006-01-22T16:15:00.000-06:00

Reading is my favorite pastime. I love it! Books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, whatever form words come in I will read it. Reading is something you can lose yourself in, forget about the things around you and immerse yourself in the words you are reading. It puts you in another world and another place for a few hours. I usually have about 4-5 books that I am reading at one time!

I read all types of books. Spiritual/Christian books are one of my favorites, they teach me a lot about what it means to be a Christian and to live the life God has destined for me. I read a little of one each morning during my quiet time and have found many words of inspiration in them. Of course, the greatest of them all is the Bible and it is a daily part of my reading time. It is the true book to find all the teachings and inspiration that I need.

I also love novels, books that tell stories. I especially love thrillers! Call me weird, but if it has a serial killer being chased by a cop, I am enthralled! Anything that has suspense and can keep me on the edge waiting to turn the next page to see what happens is well worth my time! Sometimes while reading a book I have to make a deal with myself, one more chapter and I'll get up and do things that need to be done. But, one chapter turns into two and then two turns into three.....ECT! I have a hard time putting a book down once I start reading it!

If you read my previous post about knowing how to cook you would have read that I collect cookbooks. I love to read cookbooks and I do it just like any other book. I start at the beginning and read through it till the end. My son used to think this was weird when he would see me doing it. It’s fun every once in awhile pulling out a cookbook and reading all the wonderful delicious sounding recipes.

And of course there are blogs! I love to read words written by my friends to know their thoughts on life. I even read blogs from people I don't even know, but I have learned so much about them through their words. I get so many words of inspiration in all of them and I find myself checking them several times a day!

I have my favorite book authors (or blog authors) in all the above types of books and if you ever want a recommendation just let me know. I have read so many I am bound to be able to give you some good titles. I even may have them in my collection for you to borrow!

Here are some of my favorites:

Captivating- John& Stasi Eldredge - a great book for women that are following after Jesus. It really delves into what it means to be a woman of God and to learn to let his powerful love envelope our lives.

The purpose Driven Life - Rick Warren - A great book to find our purpose in life. I read it twice.

The Joy Luck Club - Amy Tan - A great book looking into the Asian women’s culture.

Southern Living Cookbooks - great recipes for us southern cooks! I have the last nine of their yearly cookbooks!

I'm Thankful for...........I know how to Cook!

2006-01-21T10:03:00.000-06:00

I had some friends over last night to have dinner and hang out. Everybody brought the meat they wanted to grill and I provided the side dishes. I made garlic bread, baked beans, and my famous scalloped potatoes. I have been making these potatoes for guest for years now and they are delicious! I heard several times last night how good they were. I have been told by so many people how good I can cook and I always brush it off and say it's no big deal. Cooking is just something I have been doing for so long that it just comes natural and easy to me.

I learned to cook when I was five years old. My mother had a major surgery and was laid up and she couldn't cook for me and my brother and sister, so she taught me how from her bed. I don't remember too much about it, but I guess it was okay because we all survived! I continued learning as I grew up and when I moved in with my grandmother at sixteen she taught me even more. My grandmother was an awesome cook; she could take a plain hamburger patty and make it taste like the best thing you ever eaten. She taught me a lot about simplicity in cooking. So, if you take the five years and subtract it from my current age that means I have been cooking for 35 years! I had better be good at it!

I love to entertain and cook for my friends. I usually have someone over the house at least once a month or more and since my friends Ty and Kelly live so close they are usually the chosen ones. Just before the holidays they were coming over almost every week. I love to have Ty over he is the best at giving compliments telling me how good everything is. I guess when they move away there will be a spot open for dinner at my house....anybody up for the challenge?

I love to try new recipes and I have over a hundred cookbooks and cooking magazines and countless loose recipes cut out of newspapers and written on scraps of paper. I used to collect cookbooks but have tried to curb this habit, because really, do I need that many! There are more recipes in them then I could ever make in my lifetime! I have some tried and true favorites I have been making for years. I grew up in New Orleans so I know how to cook Cajun food and my Gumbo is to die for! I can make these button mushrooms that take three hours to make that will melt in your mouth, just ask Kelly! (I promise I will make them for you soon, Carrie!)

I am proud that I know how to cook and how to do it well. I don't get to do it as much as I did when I was married; I only do it when Nick is here for half the week. I really miss being able to cook for a family. But, one day I'll meet someone and you know what they say.....the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that’s true I think I have a pretty good shot at his heart!

Here is a quick and easy recipe for you to try. I say it in a magazine a couple of months ago and have made it several times. Ty tells me it's some of the best brownies he's ever had.

Take a box of regular brownie mix and bake them according to the directions on the box.
Chop up a bag of miniature Reese peanut butter cups.
When you take the brownies out of the oven sprinkle the Reese over the top and stick back in the oven for about 3-4 minutes.
Cool and cut.

It's that easy and they are soooooo....good! You can try it with any other kind of candy bar, so explore if you want too!

I'm Thankful for.......Coffee & Cheeseburgers!

2006-01-20T09:30:00.000-06:00

I LOOOOOVE Coffee! The first thing I do each morning when I wake up is make the coffee. There is nothing more comforting to me that a hot, steaming cup of coffee. Although I have a couple cups each morning, I actually will drink it anytime of day. Every few days I make a run to Starbucks for my $4 dollar cup or I have a cup at the office (not very good, I might add!) or go for a cup over at my friend Kelly's house (my favorite place!). She and I share a love affair with coffee and we are always calling each other to come over for coffee. Actually... if Kelly is coming over for something, she will call me ahead to make sure I have a pot going! Of course I know this now, so it's always on before she calls.

I always have my clients meet me at Starbucks before going out to look at houses. It's a great place to meet because everybody knows where Starbucks is! Hey, and while I'm there waiting I have, can you guess? ...a cup of coffee! It's also a great place to meet up with friends and catch up on our lives.

Oh, and I like my coffee strong! No wimpy weak stuff for me! I am from New Orleans and we only brew strong, dark, coffee that will make you go mmmm......! Kelly and I agree on this one too!

Okay, call me a kid at heart but my favorite food in the whole world is...cheeseburgers. I love them, I adore them and I crave them! I know, I know maybe I should love something more grown up like, pasta, steak or Mexican, but if loving cheeseburgers is childish, well, I say let me be childish! My favorite place to eat them is at Scotty P's in Frisco, ohhh...their chili cheeseburger is to die for! Outback Steakhouse also makes a really good one (I told you I prefer them over steak!). I had one the other night while out with my friends Patrick & Raquel at the Red Robin in Grapevine and it was also really good and have been wishing they would build one here so I can have another one. Maybe I will have to make a trip out to Grapevine to have one and maybe….my friend Amanda will meet me there? :)

I told you I would be writing on things that bring me pleasure and now you know that coffee and cheeseburgers bring me pleasure! mmmm...................

Just a note.........

2006-01-19T19:32:00.000-06:00

Over the next few days I will be writing (catching up!) about things that I take pleasure in, things that are fun and things I love to do.

Most of the blogs I have wrote on my thirty one day road to an Attitude of Gratitude has been about the really important things in my life; God, church, my children, but now I want to have some fun! I believe that even the small things in life are from God. He enjoys seeing me happy, so anything that brings me pleasure - as long as it is not sinful - is something to be thankful for.

So here it goes...........Let's have some fun!!

I'm Thankful for..............Travel

2006-01-19T12:11:00.000-06:00

I love to travel! It really doesn't matter if it's just for the weekend or for a whole week’s vacation. I just love to get away from ordinary day to day life. I wish resources (money!) were more in abundance so I could do it more!

I really didn't get to vacation much when I was growing up, maybe the occasional trip to a out of town relatives house or to church camp. It wasn't until I got married that I really went on my first vacation. I've been to some really cool places and here are some of my favorites:

Hawaii - This is my favorite place on earth! I have been there twice and I literally crave to go back. I dream of going back! It is the most beautiful place on earth (my opinion) and you can see God's idea of true beauty. There is such a lushness about it that makes you just want to stay and never come back. And ohhhh.....the smell of Hawaii, I can't explain it, it just smells beautiful! I have been on the islands of Oahu and Maui and they both are special in their own way. I have been snorkeling at the place you see in the picture above. That was so much fun!!

Oahu is the place that I ran my marathon so it definitely is special - I say if you’re going to run a marathon, do it in Hawaii! Oahu is also the home of Pearl Harbor, a place deeply rooted in our American history. It is very sobering standing on the memorial looking over and seeing parts of the sunken battleships or looking at the memorial of the names of all the men/women who died that day. I have been there twice and it moved me to tears each time.

Maui is just plain beautiful! We rented a open air jeep while there and rode all over the island. We did the trip up Hana highway and stopped at various spots to see the scenery or to play in a waterfall. The trip took us all day but it was worth it. It's a bit scary on top of the mountain looking down; it's a long, long, way down! But at the same time the scenery will take your breath away!

Turks and Caicos Islands - A place still untouched by the world! There are no Wal-Marts, no chain grocery stores. It's just paradise. The water is absolutely beautiful there. It is so clear you can see down 15 -20 feet. The picture shows the all-inclusive resort we stayed in! What a great time we had, Nick keeps asking when we are going back!

Destin, Fl. - Some of the best beaches I have ever seen. It has the whitest of sands and blue green water. It's a great place to go to with family and friends. Rent and share a condo and just play on the beach! I LOVE the beach! I have made it one of my prayer requests that I would have the finances to be able to go this summer! Anyone want to go with me?!

I've been lucky to be able to go to these beautiful places! I dream of going to Italy someday and of course Hawaii again! Perhaps.......on my honeymoon?! I'm going to Las Vegas in February for a work conference and I'm so excited! I've never been there.

I'm serious about the above questions, does anyone want to go to Destin this summer, rent and share a condo and play on the beach!! It would be great fun! :)

Just some fun.....................!

2006-01-19T08:53:00.000-06:00

I'll try and keep this going....

2 Names you go by:1) Sonya 2) Mom
2 Parts of your heritage:1) Cherokee 2) cajun
2 Things that scare you:1) the thought of ever having to live without one of my children 2) My children not being saved
2 of your everyday essentials:1) God 2) Cell phone
2 Things you are wearing right now:1) My P.J.'s 2) reading glasses
2 favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment):1) Rita Springer 2) Worship band at my church.
2 things you want in a relationship (other than love):1) communication 2) equal devotion to God.
2 Truths:1) I am so blessed 2) I love God and my friends!
2 physical things that appeal to you (in the opposite sex):1) smile 2) sense of style
2 of your favorite hobbies:1) Reading 2) spending time with friends.
2 things you want really badly:1) a closer relationship with God. 2) A husband!!!
2 places you want to go on vacation:1) Hawaii 2)Italy
2 things you want to do before you die:1) help lead someone to Christ 2) Find a husband!!!!
2 ways that you are stereotypically a chick:1) I love shoes! .2) I cry when I'm angry.
2 things you are thinking about now:1) finishing these questions. 2) writing my next blog!
2 stores you shop at:1) Walmart 2) Gap
2 people you'd like to see answer these questions, 1) Amanda 2) Kelly

I'm Thankful for...........Blogs!

2006-01-19T08:29:00.000-06:00

I was inspired to write about this after reading my sweet, sweet friend Amanda's blog from yesterday. She talked about (sorry I don't know how to link to it yet) how others perceive bloggers and how people didn't really care to "scroll down and squint their eyes to read someone’s blogs". Well, I am here to say they are, Wrong!!! Wrong!!! Wrong!!! I don't care if I have to get a magnifying glass to read my friends blogs, I want to read them! I NEED to read them!

As I said in my comments to Amanda, I NEED her blogs. I need her words of love, encouragement and faith. We are so much alike and I struggle with some of the same things she does, so when I read her blog I know it will speak to me! I love the way she uses things like, shoes that don't fit, going to the doctor, standing in line at the store and relates it to our lives as followers of God. She has a wonderful way of letting God enter and speak to her through her everyday life.

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things which you do not know" Jeremiah 33:3. Sometimes I am looking for answers to things and I ask God and poof.....there it is right there in one of my friend’s blogs. Yes, I believe God can speak to me through a blog! I have several blogs I go to each day, knowing I will find my dear friends thoughts on life, God and everything in between. I treasure each one of them and always know I will find inspiration, love, and laughter.

As far as my own blog....well it has been a wonderful experience writing for it. It has made me think more in depth about the things that are important to me. I find when I write something down; it just seems to write it on my heart. I have missed not being able to write the last few days and get my thoughts out there for my friends to enjoy (or not!). I promise to get back on track, because I want to believe that my friends care what I have to say and they go to my site to read it!

So....fellow bloggers keep them coming! Speak to me! I NEED you!

Busy Times

2006-01-17T06:56:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy week already for me and it's only Tuesday! I know I am behind in my Attitude of Gratitude daily jouney but I promise to all who read that I will catch up soon! I hope to write something later today. I have really missed not being able to write something I'm thankful for the last couple of days!

Pray for me that God will give me strength to get throught the next week, because it's going to be a busy one!!

I'm Thankful for..............My Church

2006-01-15T07:35:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GENESIS METRO!!!!!

Today we are celebrating our church's one year birthday and I'm so excited! We started meeting in May 2004, but had our official grand opening was on January 9, 2005. At our first meeting in May we had about 30-40 people in attendance and I'm happy to say we currently have around 175-180 members! God has blessed us so much!

In the first part of 2004 I personally went through a lot of terrible things, a few months of severe depression, a divorce and a ugly split up with my best friend. I was seeing a therapist and over those months she kept talking to me about finding a church to attend. I was very hesitant at first, I didn't have a good feeling about church and I hadn't been attending for close to twenty years. I was scared of church and of God, but at the same time I knew I needed something big to happen in my life.

I met my pastor, Tim and my executive pastor, Kyle during those months at some various Chamber of Commerce networking meetings and had chatted with them about their church. Tim and I emailed back and forth a few times about the church and he told me they would be meeting for the first time on a Sunday in May. So, I thought I would give a try and go for their first meeting and see what happens.

What happened was amazing and life changing!! Over the next couple of Sunday mornings and various talks with Tim I accepted Christ into my life and I've never looked back!! It has been a life altering experience and I have loved every minute of it! God has blessed me so much and I owe a lot of this to becoming a part of GM!

GM is my home, my refuge, the place I know I am loved and needed. There were a couple of months back in 2005 that I thought about leaving and finding another church. I felt like I wasn't really a part of the church anymore, that I wasn't wanted or needed there anymore. Thank God I figured out that is was Satan trying very hard to get me out because he knew all of that wasn't true! I am wanted there and I am needed. Since then I have become more involved in the church, I have taught a women’s bible study and have become part of the leadership team to get our new church wide 40 Days of Purpose study organized and implemented and I will even be teaching one of the studies. WOW, I've come a long way from the divorced, depressed, haven't been to church in twenty years, woman! I am so humbled by the acceptance and trust that the church has put in me.

GM and all the people in it have blessed my life so much. All of my best friends attend the church with me and they bless me in so many wonderful ways! I can't stress to you how much this Church and the poeple in it, has helped change me into the woman of faith that I am today. Each Sunday I get to worship God with an amazing worship team, I get to hear sound Bible teachings from an amazing pastor that always seems to be able to teach me things in just the right way, and I get to fellowship with all of my amazing friends.

I am so blessed and I thank God that he put such a God loving, Bible teaching church into my life. I know we will be blessed with growth and hopefully being able to buy a piece of land this year! I can't wait till we are able to build a church of our own someday and I know God will bless it and many people will find a place they can call home, just like I did.

I love you, Genesis Metro!

I'm Thankful for..............My Children

2006-01-14T10:11:00.000-06:00

My two boys are the light of my life! They bring such joy to me. I couldn't imagine my life without them and pray everyday that God keeps them safe and sound. Here is a bit of info about each one of them for you to enjoy!

Andrew - (19) Andrew is one of the most independent people I have ever known! He has been that way since he was born! He started sleeping through the night at barely 2 months old, I used to go and wake him up because is seemed abnormal for a baby so young to be sleeping through the night and I was afraid of SIDS. Nothing has changed, he stills does things in his own way, in his own time. He ran away when he was nine years old, because he didn't like that he had gotten grounded. Nine years old!!! He has always thought his way was better!!

He is also one of the smartest people I know. During his school years he didn't do so good with grades, but he always blew away the standardized tests and scored in the top percentage. He is also very, very loyal! I have seen him stick-up for his friends, even when they didn't deserve it, even if they did something wrong to him. He is also has a giving spirit (he got that from his mom!) he makes sure everybody is taken care of even at his own expense.

He is tall, good looking (he gets that from his mom too!) and the girls love him! I don't have a picture of him to share, because he hates to take them! Trust me, he's cute!!

He is a little lost right now, but he's working on bettering his life. He took the first positive step in doing that this past week and I am so proud of him! I know he will be an amazing man one day and all the challenges we have went through will be forgotten. He truly has a heart of gold and I have faith that God will strip away all the useless, prideful layers so that it will shine through!

Nicholas - (11) Nicholas is the exact opposite of his brother! I don't know how two brothers could be so different. He is not independent and he didn't sleep through the night till he was 10 months old! He doesn't do anything his own way, he always comes to mom or dad for guidance.

He does share one thing with his brother, he is smart too! He always gets A's and B's on his report card. He has a knack for math and science. Although he hates school, he still tries to do his best. I think learning comes natural to him; he doesn't have to try to hard.

He is shy and reserved (unlike his mother!) and it takes him a while to warm up to people. Yet he loves to go to parties, go figure! He loves to play poker with the guys from church and has even been known to win! He has slowly been coming out of his shell and I owe this to us being involved in our church.

He also is a cutie, as you can tell from the above pictures!!! He will also have the girls chasing after him someday! Not too soon I hope, I want him to stay little for a while longer. He still needs his mom and I love and treasure that! He still lets me kiss him and we still hold hands sometimes. I will miss that when he feels like he is too old to do it anymore.

I am so very blessed to have two wonderful, loving, beautiful children! There have been some challenges while raising them, but it's all been worth it and I wouldn't trade one minute of it. I pray that they make God the center of their lives one day, just as I have. I pray that they grow into caring, loving men that will make God and their Mom proud!

I love you boys!!!!!!

I'm Thankful for............My Love Letters!

2006-01-13T07:42:00.000-06:00

The first time I heard the Bible called our love letters was from Tim my pastor one Sunday morning while preaching. I thought to myself hmmmm.....what a great way to think of the Bible, my love letters. If you stop and think about it its true; it's God's love expressed to us in 66 books and it was written just for us.

It is filled with wonderful stories! Stories of miracles, restoration, healing, salvation. There are stories of lions, of giants, of mighty floods, of a couple fish feeding thousands. Stories we love to tell our children and stories our children love to hear us tell! I just read the story of Saul/Paul a man who spent his time persecuting the church, totally turn his life around and start serving Christ. What an amazing story of complete and utter transformation!

It is also filled with teachings. It teaches us what we need to do to become more like Christ, to conform more into his image. It teaches how to live lives worthy of being called a child of God. It teaches us faith, endurance, perseverance, forgiveness, righteousness; love ...the list goes on. It is a place we can go to find answers to our toughest questions and believe me there is always an answer to whatever you are asking!

Most of all it is our spiritual food. Our physical body needs food to survive, so do our spiritual bodies need God's word to survive. Without it we become weak, self centered, at risk of falling into temptation and unable to do the work God has for us to do. We must make time, as my friend Amanda always puts it to "spend time in the word" It is our nourishment and it is essential to our spiritual vitality and we must make spending time in it a priority of our day.

I don't want to do it out of habit, just skimming through a few chapters to be able to say that I read the Bible today, I want to read it as if my life depended on it! I don't want to just memorize scriptures, I want to hide them away in my heart so it penetrates and transfuses itself into my whole being. I want to reflect it's teachings in the way I live. I want to make its promises, my hope for each day.

I urge each of you to do the same. Spend time in God's word; after all it is your love letters from God!

I'm Thankful for.........That I am Loved!

2006-01-12T07:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I wrote about how much I love Jesus, so I thought today I would write about how much he loves me. Once again words will fail me when I try and explain the love that he feels for me. I think sometimes I don't dwell on the fact that Jesus loves me. I believe in his love, I talk about it, I read about it in the Bible, but do I really just sit down and think about it and let it flow through my heart and find it's full meaning.

God doesn't just love me, he LOOOOOVES me! He adores me! I consume his every thought. He thinks I am the most perfect thing that he has ever made. He loved me before I was even born. He created me just so he could love me! I was created to be the object of his affection, the apple of his eye. There is a place in his heart that only I can fill.

He doesn't just expect a relationship with me, he craves it. He doesn't love me because he has to, but because he wants too! He needs me; he wants to be everything to me, my father, my husband, my companion, my friend, my LIFE! He follows me wherever I go, he has too, he can't stand to be away from me. He longs to hear my voice and have me talk to him and he stands ready to be attentive.

He loves me with the purest of love, because it is unconditional! I can make a mistake, screw-up, sin and he is still right there loving me with the same fierce love. He doesn't care of the opinion of others, he sees me in a completely different light. He sees the real me and the woman I am supposed to be and it's okay with him that I'm not perfect. He loves me for who I am!

Sometimes I run from his love, but he just runs after me. Sometimes I doubt his love so he whispers over and over again; I love you, until the doubt is gone. He love is something that I never have to fear I will lose!

I want to learn to embrace his love for me. I want to choose to open my heart to it that I can feel it with the same passion that he bestows it... I want to wrap my heart, mind, soul around it. I want to bask in it and allow it to reflect in my face, in my life. I want to feel it with such power that nothing can penetrate it; nothing can make me doubt it!

My friends, I'm happy to say he loves each of you the same way! Isn't it awesome that his heart has no boundaries when it comes to love!

I'm Thankful for.......that I'm in LOVE!!

2006-01-11T07:06:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'm in love!! To all my friends that are freaking out right now, no I haven't been secretly dating someone and fallen in love. I would never be able to explain that away! You know the person I'm in love with, because you love him too! I started a love affair with him just over a year and a half ago and I've been passionately in love with him ever since. Now, I’ve known about him all my life and even talked to him on occasion, but I really didn't pay that much attention to him until May of 2004. We begin a relationship then and we have been inseparable ever since.

Sometimes this love overwhelms me and I want to go out on my front drive and shout, I LOVE JESUS!, (but I don't, because I don't want to be labeled as the crazy old lady that lives next door!) There are days when I seem to be in stupor, not wanting to work, not wanting to talk with friends, I just want to walk around and think about Jesus. I can't get enough of him. I literally CRAVE more of Jesus. I wish I could explain to all of you just what I mean, but I just can't seem to find the words. Words fail me. So many of you talk about my passion for Jesus and how they can see that I run after him, but it's deeper than that, stronger than that, more passionate than you can even imagine. I don't just run, I sprint!! I'm crying right now as I write this because I just can't seem to come up with just the right words to express my love for him. It amazes me that not everyone else wants what I have! Not everyone craves knowing him better or they have become so stagnate and comfortable that they don't let the love for him burn and rage deep in their souls and hearts.

For those of you that are skeptical and saying...oh, all of her problems she has been blogging about must have been solved and that's why she is so passionate today about loving Jesus. Well your wrong, my problems haven't gone away, I’m still fearful and filled with uncertainty, but my love for God has not waned throughout the whole ordeal, nor will it! Sometimes I get sidetracked and focus too much on myself, but aren't all relationships like that? We all have our moments of selfishness but we always come back to the one we love. For some reason I just woke up this morning full of passionate, burning love for him and I just had to write about it! It's a wonderful feeling to wake up to!

I don't know maybe I'm still on my "honeymoon", but I sure hope not, I want to never, ever lose this feeling. It drives me to be better, it drives me to show God what kind of person I can be, what kind of person he destined me to be. For those of you that may have lost that loving feeling or it's waned a bit, I urge you to find it again, seek it out, it's the best feeling in the world!

Most of my friends that know me know that I have a desire to be in love and married again someday. I am forty years old and I've never known what it feels like to be truly in love with a person, to have someone to be the center of my life, to rock my world! But if earthly love is anything remotely close to the love I have for Jesus, well whom ever God has for me, better watch out!!! Until then I’m just going to focus on Jesus and falling deeper and more madly in love with him!

I'm Thankful for.........That I Have Been Upgraded.

2006-01-09T19:14:00.000-06:00

Upgraded? What is she talking about?! Let me explain. My pastor gave this great sermon on Sunday teaching us that sometimes we have to make upgrades in our lives. The way we are in any one given moment may not be at our best and God has an idea on how to tweak us and change us into something better.

Technology is always bringing us a better model of an old product, putting it on the market and then trying to convince us to upgrade, promising it will change our lives (Tim used TIVO as an example). Do you ever realize God also does this to us in our spiritual lives? He is constantly upgrading us, making us newer, making us better, tweaking us, and adjusting us to upgraded models. He doesn't ever let us grow stagnant or too comfortable. Sometimes the upgrades seem to be at too high of a cost and we think we are okay just the way we are. We don't want to buy the upgrade he's selling, we can do just find with the one we have! He sometimes has to try really hard to convince us that the change is for our better, but sometimes we are too shortsighted to see the finished product. Right now I am going through some major changes, changes that I don't see the need for, changes that bring me fear and uncertainly. Someone told me the other day while talking about all these changes that, God was trying to grow (upgrade) me and I told them I felt like I was tall enough, I didn't really need to grow. To me the cost was too great, the changes too much of a challenge. But God always knows what is best and I have to hope the upgrades make me a better model of him.

I'm thankful for all the many upgrades that have already been made to my life. I've been upgraded from hell bound to heaven being my destination. My condition has been upgraded from broken to whole. I've been upgraded from being unyielding to totally moldable. I've gone from being lost to being found. I've been upgraded from damnation to salvation. My sorrow has been upgraded to joy. And the most important of all, I have been upgraded from an orphan to a child of the most high God! These were all the easy upgrades, the ones that didn't hurt too much, ones that I realized were for the better. The other ones, well, they hurt and they challenge us to grow stronger and more into our Saviors image. They are not always welcome but never the less they are needed.

Sometimes when I am being challenged to change, being asked to upgrade I throw my hands up in the air and say never mind it's not worth it, I'm going back to the way it used to be. But always sanity breaks through and reminds me that the old way was not better and you know if you just sit tight and let God handle the upgrade we will be all the more stronger and better for it. I know he knows what he is doing, because I am so much better than I was before and I like my new upgraded self!

Look at it this way; we are the same original model only better.

I'm Thankful for...........That I don't have to be perfect.

2006-01-07T16:33:00.000-06:00

Over the last few days if you have been reading my blog, I have been showing the real me. The real me that struggles with fear, hates change and sometimes literally hides in the closet. My friend Amanda keeps commenting to my blogs that she appreciates me being honest, being real. I'm glad you approve Amanda, because if I am nothing else, I am honest and real.

This has not always been the case. I use to hide the real me from others, never let them see your fear, never show them how you feel, and never ever let them see you cry. I have been through a bout of major depression and after it was over telling someone about it and they said they would never had known it, you always smiled, you always had a laugh to share, is what they told me. I got good at hiding the real me. I couldn't show I was weak and scared, there were too many people depending on me to be strong. I lived in constant guilt that someone would find out that I wasn't the person I pretended to be. I worked hard at hiding because I thought no one would like the real me.

All of this need for perfection started to change when I started hanging with a group of people that lived life the real way. No pretense, just real people living real lives. I wish I could say I took to this new way of living right away, but I didn't. It took me awhile to give into the fact that I could not be perfect and that the Godly people in my life would not allow me to pretend that I was. One of the most profound things that Tim my pastor told me in the very beginning of my christian walk was to"be aware that we are not perfect, people would disappoint me, and he may even disappoint me at some time". I didn't believe it at first, after all these people are christians, they live Godly lives and there was no way they could screw-up. Come to find out the only thing screwed up was my way of thinking! I even led myself to believe I had to be the perfect christian. I used to write scriptures on note cards and take them running with me so I could memorize them. I felt like I MUST be in church every Sunday and I MUST attend every bible study. I set myself up for failure. Now, I'm not saying that trying to be your very best at seeking out God and doing Godly things is wrong, but when you place yourself at such a level of perfection there is bound to be trouble. Oh....the guilt that comes when you are not perfect, when you say a dirty word, when you think an evil thought, when you don't feel well enough to go to church or Bible study, or you forget the scripture you tried so hard to memorize the day before. I really don't remember when my perfection seeking ways started to turn around, I think it was a gradual change that I didn't even notice,

I don't have to be perfect. I can let people see me cry, I can let them see me hurt. I can show emotions. Most importantly I can screw-up, make a mistake, and yes...even sin and everyone will still love me and be there to help me fix it and then clean up the mess. It has gotten to the point that some of my friends just have to look at my face and know something is wrong. My friend Michelle says she always knows that I'm hiding something because I won't look her in the eyes. Carrie tells me she can just tell by my tone of voice over the phone. I think Kelly has some weird sixth sense because she always sends a email telling me she loves me when I am feeling less than perfect. I can't hide it anymore, so why try! Ahhhh......the relief of accepting imperfection!

The only person that sees me as perfect is my heavenly father. I know he still has some tweaking he's doing, but I guarantee you if I died today, my father would be standing at heaven's gate with his arms open wide, saying "Welcome home, my PERFECT child".

note: I cried like a baby when I read over this blog. There I go being emotional and real!

I'm Thankful for...............Prayer

2006-01-06T15:33:00.000-06:00

I was inspired to write on prayer today after reading a blog written by someone I don't even know. I truly believe prayer is essential to our spiritual life and to our spiritual maturity. Without it our spiritual self/body would just die.

I have been told by many people that they view me as a prayer warrior. If that title is based on how much I pray, then I would have to agree! I pray all the time. Every morning -except Sundays- I sit down and have quiet time with God. I usually read my Bible, a couple chapters in a Christian based book and then of course I pray. Sometimes I pray for 5 minutes, sometimes I pray for longer. I just pray until I have said what my heart needs to say.

But my praying doesn't just end when my quiet time ends, I pray all throughout the day. That's my favorite part of prayer, I can do it anywhere at anytime. Just this morning while doing my quiet time my phone rang and I felt like I needed to answer it. Good thing I did, I found out I needed to be somewhere in an hour! I still needed to get dressed, so my quiet time was cut short. I had already read my bible and chapters in my book and the only thing left was for me to pray. No problem, I just prayed in the shower, I prayed while getting dress and then I prayed in the car. It doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing you can always pray. I mean think about it, I can't read my bible in the shower or I would have to go out and buy a new one! I can't read my bible while driving in my car, because I probably would have to buy someone a new car after crashing into them! Praying does not have to be in any set place or at any set time. That’s the magic of it!

My other favorite part of prayer is that it's only between God and me. I can pour my heart out to him without any kind of worry that he isn't really listening or that he is rolling his eyes at me. I don't have to use eloquent words, just what's on my mind and my heart. Sometimes I pray quietly, sometimes I pray very loudly. Sometimes I beg, scream, fall to my knees. Sometimes I even hide in the closet and just cry out to God. The best is God listens to all of it, he understands that sometimes I am so troubled that I need to hide away in the closet and just talk to him. He doesn't care that I'm in the closet, he just cares that I'm reaching out to him, talking to him. Really now, he is the only one I know that will follow me into the closet and listen to me! My friends would think I was crazy if the only way I could talk to them is if I was hiding in the closet!

I can talk to God about anything and everything and all that is between. He cares, he listens and if I'm quiet enough he talks back. This is what I'm working on, being still and quiet so that I can hear what he has to say. Sometime I get caught up in my needs and prayers that I don't stop and listen for his answer. I want to hear God speak back to me. He won't try and speak over me, he only speaks in a whisper and I have to learn to be still and listen for him. The bible says: "Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know". (Jeremiah 33:3) I'm learning more everyday on how to listen for him and all the great and mighty things he has to say.

My prayers may be a few simple lines of worship or an hour long list of my needs. But the power of prayer is in who hears it, not in who says it and that makes all the difference. And my prayers do make a difference.

"The Lord has heard my supplication, The Lord receives my prayer". Psalm 6:9

I'm Thankful for.............Hope.

2006-01-05T11:55:00.000-06:00

Once again I didn't wake up with an Attitude of Gratitude, actually I woke up crying. I didn't want to get out of bed, I wanted to pull the covers over my head and wish the daylight away. Darkness brings night, blissful sleep and an empty mind. Daylight brings day, things to do and thoughts of fear. But I got up anyway, I knew my problems were not going to go away if I stayed in bed, plus they are building a house behind me and the noise was driving me crazy!

I made the coffee and sat down to do my quiet time just as I do everyday. Let me tell you I didn't start with a pure heart, I was doing it more out of habit than because I wanted too. I have a book that sits on my end table, Grace For the Moment - Inspirational Thoughts for Each Day of the Year, by Max Lucado. It is just a quick couple of paragraphs of inspiration for each day. This is what today’s said:

January 5

Don't Miss God's Answer
Is anything too hard for the Lord? ..... (Genesis 18:14)

The God of surprises strikes again...God does that for the faithful. Just when the womb gets too old for babies, Sarai gets pregnant. Just when the failure is too great for grace, David is pardoned.....
The lesson? Three words. Don't give up...
Is the road long? Don't stop.
Is the night black? Don't quit.
God is watching. For all you know right at this moment....the check may be in the mail.
The apology may be in the making.
The job contract may be on the desk.
Don't quit. For if you do, you may miss the answer to your prayers.

Okay, I started crying when I read this, gave into it for a couple of minutes and then picked up my Bible. I sat it in my lap and it opened on it's own to Psalms. I had quite a few scriptures underlined where it opened, and this is what I read:

Psalm 66:8-12
(8) - Bless our God, O peoples, and sound his praise abroad,
(9 ) Who keeps us in life and does not allow our feet to slip.
(10 ) For you have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.
(11) You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins.
(12 ) You made men ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water, yet you brought us out into a place of abundance.

Psalm 66:19-20
(19) But certainly God has heard: He has given heed to the voice of my prayer.
(20) Blessed be God, who has not turned away my prayer, Nor his lovingkindness from me.

Okay, something was starting to stir inside me, dawning was happening. I then picked up a book I am reading titled: It's Not About Me, by Max Lucado. I am on page 35 but when I picked it up it opened to a page I have already read and this is what I had underlined:

I could look around and find fear, or look at my father and find faith.
I choose my father's face.

Okay, I think this is what my wonderful friend Amanda calls a "God Stop" moment. A little ray of hope started to shine through my spirit, my heart, my thoughts. What is hope? Hope is expectation, hope brings faith and faith turns around and brings hope. Hope is my only hope of finding the answer, of finding understanding. I hope everything I am feeling makes me stronger. I hope the changes I am experiencing are for the better. I sure hope God knows what he is doing!

Hope is all I have. I'm not saying the fear is not still there, believe me it is. But my hope in God is replacing some of that fear and I hope before long it replaces it completely.

And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.
Psalm 39:7

Note: Read on to find another thankful post, I wrote two today to make up for the depressing one from yesterday.

I'm thankful for......It's okay to ask, Why?

2006-01-05T11:47:00.000-06:00

I have always had this idea that we are not supposed to ask God the question, why? We are supposed to just deal with whatever is happening to us, whatever trial or problem we are going through. There is a reason you are going through what you are going through, God is refining you, he is working all things to your good.....so how dare I ask why?

Do you ever think about the word why and how many times a day it's asked? We ask our children, why did you do that! Our children then ask us why they are sent to their rooms for doing that! We ask the question of why to our spouse, why didn't you get the milk that was on the list? Why are we ordering pizza for dinner, I thought you were going to cook tonight? (I bet you stay-at-home moms love that one!) Why? Why? Why? I challenge you to try and count how many times that word is said in your home for one day, I bet you lose count!

Why do we ask the question, why? Because we want an answer, we are looking for a reason behind the situation. We are trying to understand. It's the same when we ask God, why? We just want an answer as to the reason we are in the situation we are in. We are not saying that God is wrong; we are just trying to understand. My friend Raquel talked to me about this the other night(thanks again Raquel, you are so wise) and pointed out to me that even Jesus asked the question of why when he was hanging on the cross, My God, My God. Why have you forsaken me? Matthew 27:46

So, I have come to the realization that it's okay to ask God why. It's not that I am questioning his authority; I'm just trying to find an answer, a reason. To gain an understanding. If I understand the reason, I am better equipped to handle it.

I'm Thankful for.......that I wrote something.

2006-01-04T07:57:00.000-06:00

I didn't get up with an attitude of gratitude today. I didn't want to write about something I'm thankful for. Last night I had decided I wouldn't write. I went back and re-read my last few posts looking for inspiration, but I couldn't find any. What I really want to do is to look in the rearview mirror, I don't want to be thankful for the New Year because the way this New Year is starting isn't at all what I expected and well, grace seems like a foreign word to me right now. And most importantly, looking forward is extremely scary.

Last night I got some news that I didn't expect and news I don't want to deal with. Everything I have come to know in the last year and a half is about to change. Everything I have come to depend on and trust in is being shaken up and moved into a different direction and the future is uncertain. As many of you very well know, I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!!! Actually let me just put it out there...CHANGE SUCKS!!!! CHANGE SUCKS!!!!! I don't deal well with change and when it affects me in the one area of my life that brings me the most fear, I want to run and hide in the closet and wait till everything is back to the way it was.

I'm scared. I am very crippled by the fear right now. I can't eat and I slept about two hours last night. I can’t pray except to say, God I don’t want things to change and I don’t know if I can do it. I know the fear is from satan and I really want to TAKE HIM DOWN! But I can't right now because I want to give into the fear even more, oddly, it's comforting. Thank you Raquel for telling me it's okay to feel this way for a little while, as long as it doesn't change who I am. I needed that permission. Right now I don't want to be told to buck-up and let it go. I want to feel!!

I made a commitment to write about something everyday for the month of January that I am thankul for, So today I am just thankful that I put my fingers to the keyboard and wrote something, however depressing it may be and however full of self pity it is. That's all I have today, folks. I'm trying to be transparent. I'm allowing my friends to know that I hurt and hope that prayers are prayed for me today. I need them.

I'm Thankful for..............Music

2006-01-03T10:19:00.000-06:00

Music moves me! It is something that can make me cry or make me laugh. It can change my mood or it can put me in a mood. It can bring me to a place of worship that everything else around me disappears. It can clear my mind and bring me peace. It can make me want to get up and dance! I listen to it all the time, while cleaning house, while getting dressed and of course while driving in the car.

Yesterday in my blog I had the lyrics to one of my favorite christian songs. I love worship music! It truly speaks to me. I got my first christian cd from my friend Lydia over a year ago and it has been in my car ever since. It is a cd of Third Day and I now know all the words to all the songs. Once a couple of months ago I was listening to it while driving back from Ft. Worth and I was so into singing and feeling the Holy Spirit that I missed my turn! I didn't realize it for a couple of miles! My only other christian cd is Mercy Me and I am looking to add a few more to my collection but I need some suggestions from my friends. But my favorite christian group is the rocking band that plays at our church every Sunday! They truly bring me to a place of worship like no cd can! You can always plan on the Holy Spirit moving among us when they are playing.

On the non-christian music front my favorite is country music (this drives my friend Patrick crazy!). I LOVE country music! That love started while I was living in Chicago and my friend Deanne gave me a John Michael Montgomery cd and I have been hooked ever since. Just a few months later I moved to the great state of Texas which of course is where country music is king! I love many different artists, but my favorite is Chris Caigle. I have had his cd in the number one spot in my car for over two years and it won't be coming out anytime soon! I still love the old time rock and roll that I grew up on and I am always open too trying new things.

I know that a lot of my friends also share my passion of music. My friend Patrick just posted on his website his pick for the top ten albums of the year, if you want to check it out go to www.wannaberockstar.net. My friend Amanda not only loves it, she sings it too. She has the most beautiful and amazing voice and she loves to use it to glorify God. My friends Kelly and Ty are always adding and deleting songs on their mp3 players. I really want one of those!!!!

It may seem silly to some that I am thankful for music, but I say that anything that brings me joy is something to be thankful for.

What I have in my car cd player:

Chris Caigle - Chris Caigle
Tim McGraw and the dance hall doctors
Third Day - Offerings
Mercy Me - Almost There
Trace Adkins - Coming on Strong
Keith Anderson - Three Cord Country and American Rock & Roll

I'm Thankful for..............Grace

2006-01-02T08:20:00.000-06:00

There's a place that I love to run and play
There's a place that I sing new songs of praise

Dancin' with my Father God in fields of grace

There's a place that I lose myself within
There's a place that I find myself again

Dancin' with my Father God in fields of grace

There's a place where religion finally dies
There's a place that I lose my selfish pride

Dancin’ with my Father God in fields of grace

I love my Father, my Father loves me
I dance for my Father, my Father sings over me

And nothing can take that away from me

These are the lyrics of one of my favorite christian songs. We sang it in church yesterday and I couldn't help but sing along with full voice (good thing nobody was sitting beside me!) and joy. Dancin’ with my father God in fields of grace. Grace what a beautiful word and full of so much meaning. I didn't plan on writing about grace; it wasn't even on my list of things I had been jotting down. But, the Holy Spirit spoke to me very clearly in the middle of singing that song... I want you to write about grace, write about grace and how much it has changed your life and how much meaning it has brought to you.

Grace is something I struggled with when first accepting Jesus into my heart in 2004. I grew up in a very legalistic religion and I don't ever remember hearing any teaching on grace. We were only told what we must do and what we must not do to get to heaven. So many rules, so many restrictions that I constantly lived in a state of fear that I would screw-up and go straight to hell. I quit attending when I turned eighteen and moved out on my own and for the next twenty years I lived everyday in fear of dying and going to hell because I was breaking the rules by putting on a pair of jeans or going to a movie.

After accepting Christ, I talked many times with Tim my pastor on this phenomenon called grace. There was a time that he spent an hour on the phone with me crying and telling him I just didn't know if it was something I could grasp. Another time I remember some of us going to his house after our regular bible study, him pulling out a write on/wipe off board and teaching us on grace till 2am in the morning! But the one thing that started to solidify it in my heart was a statement he made: If we are saved by works, then Christ died needlessly. But don't take my word for it he told me, go read the book of Galatians and it will confirm everything I have been telling you. So I read Galatians over and over again till the spirit of grace became part of my heart.

Grace is not about works, you don't have to follow some strict set of rules or restrictions for it to be extended to you. It's a place where religion finally dies. It's about a having a relationship with our God not based on fear, but on love and joy. It's a place where when a simple heartfelt prayer is prayed, the fear of hell is gone and the promise of eternal life is given.

I am humbled by his grace everyday. If saving me from hell wasn't enough, he extends grace to me over and over again everyday of my life. I am so glad I listened to the Holy Spirit when it told me to write about grace. It has made me remember where I came from and through a whole lot of grace, to where I am today. And nothing can take that away from me.

I'm Thankful for..............A New Year

2006-01-01T07:37:00.000-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The first day of 2006 is here and with it a whole new year of possibilities and blessings!. What an appropriate day to start on my journey of developing an Attitude of gratitude. I know we are supposed to look at each day full of hope and possibilities, but this just seems to be a time when we really reach out to that hope and look forward to new and wonderful things happening to us. My friend Ty said to me a couple nights ago that he believes that 2006 will be the best year of his life. Wow! That's hope, that's believing in himself, and believing in a God that longs to give him that best year of his life! You go, Ty! I believe you and know it will be true, because YOU believe you!

As we are ushering in a new year an old one has come and gone. I can't help but reflect on 2005 and see all the blessings I have received and all the trials I have endured. All in all, it was a great year! I can look back at it without too much pain and regret.

I have matured spiritually more than I can ever have hoped for! A friend wrote to me the other day that she has watched me transform from this crying balled up mess on the sofa, to this brave woman who relies on her faith and her God. Thanks Kelly, I sometimes don't see this growth myself, so it's nice when others see it and remind me of it. I may not be in the place I want to be spiritually (yet), but I have come a long way! I have even led a women's bible study!

My business has been great and I have earned more than I ever thought I would! Twenty-seven homes sold this year! God has been so good to me in this area and I am so blessed to be with a great team (more on them later..) that helps make it all possible.

My friendships that are SO important to my survival in this crazy life have become deeper and more loving. I have met and added some great new friends- Raquel, Patrick & Erin (more on them later too...) that are a part of my daily life and they bring me blessings in so many ways. "Friday night date night" was developed and has become one of the highlights of my week! Ty and Kelly, you are going to soooooooooooo......miss them!

So, as a new year is done and gone, I find myself thankful for a new year. A new year to grow even more spiritually, to love God more deeply, to allow him to love ME more deeply and to allow my life to be more transformed into his image. A new year to allow trust to be a natural part of my thinking process and to NOT allow fear to be a part of it at all (I'll need everyone’s prayers on this one!). To grow old friendships into deeper levels of love and commitment and to develop new and lasting ones. To serve my church with even more time, energy and money. To watch my business grow more, so it will allow me the freedom from a debt owed to a family member. To love my children and watch them learn more about Christ through watching their mother and bringing them to church.

I have so many things to look forward too! So many blessings just around the corner! I agree with Ty, this is going to be the best year of MY life!

Thank you, Lord Jesus for allowing me another year to serve you. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to watch and wait for your blessings to be poured upon my life and the lives of those close to me. Help me, Jesus to always remember to put you first everyday. Thank you for giving me the spirit of thankfulness and the spirit of wanting to grow it deeper. I love you, Jesus and I look forward to spending another year with you beside me.