I'm Thankful for...........That I don't have to be perfect.

Over the last few days if you have been reading my blog, I have been showing the real me. The real me that struggles with fear, hates change and sometimes literally hides in the closet. My friend Amanda keeps commenting to my blogs that she appreciates me being honest, being real. I'm glad you approve Amanda, because if I am nothing else, I am honest and real.

This has not always been the case. I use to hide the real me from others, never let them see your fear, never show them how you feel, and never ever let them see you cry. I have been through a bout of major depression and after it was over telling someone about it and they said they would never had known it, you always smiled, you always had a laugh to share, is what they told me. I got good at hiding the real me. I couldn't show I was weak and scared, there were too many people depending on me to be strong. I lived in constant guilt that someone would find out that I wasn't the person I pretended to be. I worked hard at hiding because I thought no one would like the real me.

All of this need for perfection started to change when I started hanging with a group of people that lived life the real way. No pretense, just real people living real lives. I wish I could say I took to this new way of living right away, but I didn't. It took me awhile to give into the fact that I could not be perfect and that the Godly people in my life would not allow me to pretend that I was. One of the most profound things that Tim my pastor told me in the very beginning of my christian walk was to"be aware that we are not perfect, people would disappoint me, and he may even disappoint me at some time". I didn't believe it at first, after all these people are christians, they live Godly lives and there was no way they could screw-up. Come to find out the only thing screwed up was my way of thinking! I even led myself to believe I had to be the perfect christian. I used to write scriptures on note cards and take them running with me so I could memorize them. I felt like I MUST be in church every Sunday and I MUST attend every bible study. I set myself up for failure. Now, I'm not saying that trying to be your very best at seeking out God and doing Godly things is wrong, but when you place yourself at such a level of perfection there is bound to be trouble. Oh....the guilt that comes when you are not perfect, when you say a dirty word, when you think an evil thought, when you don't feel well enough to go to church or Bible study, or you forget the scripture you tried so hard to memorize the day before. I really don't remember when my perfection seeking ways started to turn around, I think it was a gradual change that I didn't even notice,

I don't have to be perfect. I can let people see me cry, I can let them see me hurt. I can show emotions. Most importantly I can screw-up, make a mistake, and yes...even sin and everyone will still love me and be there to help me fix it and then clean up the mess. It has gotten to the point that some of my friends just have to look at my face and know something is wrong. My friend Michelle says she always knows that I'm hiding something because I won't look her in the eyes. Carrie tells me she can just tell by my tone of voice over the phone. I think Kelly has some weird sixth sense because she always sends a email telling me she loves me when I am feeling less than perfect. I can't hide it anymore, so why try! Ahhhh......the relief of accepting imperfection!

The only person that sees me as perfect is my heavenly father. I know he still has some tweaking he's doing, but I guarantee you if I died today, my father would be standing at heaven's gate with his arms open wide, saying "Welcome home, my PERFECT child".


note: I cried like a baby when I read over this blog. There I go being emotional and real!