I'm Thankful for.......that I wrote something.
I didn't get up with an attitude of gratitude today. I didn't want to write about something I'm thankful for. Last night I had decided I wouldn't write. I went back and re-read my last few posts looking for inspiration, but I couldn't find any. What I really want to do is to look in the rearview mirror, I don't want to be thankful for the New Year because the way this New Year is starting isn't at all what I expected and well, grace seems like a foreign word to me right now. And most importantly, looking forward is extremely scary.
Last night I got some news that I didn't expect and news I don't want to deal with. Everything I have come to know in the last year and a half is about to change. Everything I have come to depend on and trust in is being shaken up and moved into a different direction and the future is uncertain. As many of you very well know, I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!!! Actually let me just put it out there...CHANGE SUCKS!!!! CHANGE SUCKS!!!!! I don't deal well with change and when it affects me in the one area of my life that brings me the most fear, I want to run and hide in the closet and wait till everything is back to the way it was.
I'm scared. I am very crippled by the fear right now. I can't eat and I slept about two hours last night. I can’t pray except to say, God I don’t want things to change and I don’t know if I can do it. I know the fear is from satan and I really want to TAKE HIM DOWN! But I can't right now because I want to give into the fear even more, oddly, it's comforting. Thank you Raquel for telling me it's okay to feel this way for a little while, as long as it doesn't change who I am. I needed that permission. Right now I don't want to be told to buck-up and let it go. I want to feel!!
I made a commitment to write about something everyday for the month of January that I am thankul for, So today I am just thankful that I put my fingers to the keyboard and wrote something, however depressing it may be and however full of self pity it is. That's all I have today, folks. I'm trying to be transparent. I'm allowing my friends to know that I hurt and hope that prayers are prayed for me today. I need them.
Last night I got some news that I didn't expect and news I don't want to deal with. Everything I have come to know in the last year and a half is about to change. Everything I have come to depend on and trust in is being shaken up and moved into a different direction and the future is uncertain. As many of you very well know, I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!!! Actually let me just put it out there...CHANGE SUCKS!!!! CHANGE SUCKS!!!!! I don't deal well with change and when it affects me in the one area of my life that brings me the most fear, I want to run and hide in the closet and wait till everything is back to the way it was.
I'm scared. I am very crippled by the fear right now. I can't eat and I slept about two hours last night. I can’t pray except to say, God I don’t want things to change and I don’t know if I can do it. I know the fear is from satan and I really want to TAKE HIM DOWN! But I can't right now because I want to give into the fear even more, oddly, it's comforting. Thank you Raquel for telling me it's okay to feel this way for a little while, as long as it doesn't change who I am. I needed that permission. Right now I don't want to be told to buck-up and let it go. I want to feel!!
I made a commitment to write about something everyday for the month of January that I am thankul for, So today I am just thankful that I put my fingers to the keyboard and wrote something, however depressing it may be and however full of self pity it is. That's all I have today, folks. I'm trying to be transparent. I'm allowing my friends to know that I hurt and hope that prayers are prayed for me today. I need them.
posted by Sonya Terrell at
7:57 AM
4 Comments:
it's okay to hurt, to have questions, to say "why, god?" the thing is, though, you may have to consider that this is a change ordained by God to challenge you and grow you now. everything you've come to know in the last year and a half is about to change...maybe for the better? the future is uncertain so give that to Him and let Him work with it. and it's times like these you have folks like us to lean on. you are loved.
I also have a big fear of change. I am a control freak and when something starts happening that I can do nothing about, I get extremely upset. I don't know what changes are coming for you, but I will be praying that you have peace. I think a peaceful heart is the only way we can get sleep at night fully trusting that God knows what he is doing even though we don't. Love you! Cindy
Well, one thing in life you will never regret is your ability to be real. There are many people out there that need to learn that lesson from you. You keep on Sonya, this will pass and you will be able to testify about it.
I love you, Sonya, and I'm thankful for your honesty.
Michelle
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