Aloneness
I feel like I am living inside a glass box. I can see the world and the people in it but I am not a part of it. I am NOT on the outside looking in as the old saying goes, but it's more like I am on the inside looking out because I am stuck in the box and can't seem to get myself out.
I've never felt so alone before. I am surrounded by people who say they love me and are a daily part of my life....but yet I have never felt more alone than I have for the last couple of weeks. I have been on a road of discovery the last couple of weeks (I will be writing more about that in a later blog) and I have realized that I am different. Different than everyone else that are a part of my life. That is where the feeling of loneliness comes in. Me against the world. No one is like me. No one I know of deals with the crap that I am dealing with. Everyone else seem to have it all together. How many cry themselves to sleep at night because the loneliness is so bad that it feels like your heart is breaking in half. How many cry because they don't know when the next deal will close so they can pay the bills. How many cry because their son threatens to kill himself and don't know what to say to him because you have thought about doing the same. How many cry over a past that leaves scars so deep that although healing is wanted it can't be found. How many cry because a mother leaves awful messages on you phone and it re-opens wounds that you are desparetely trying to forget. How many cry because your youngest son now has to endure another possible broken marriage and you want to only protect him. All of this just within the last month.
No one understands what I am going through right now. Most of them live pretty happy fullfilled lives with good marriages, good jobs, happy children and they can't even begin to relate to me. Please believe me I am not bitter. I am extremely happy for all of them and pray for them to continue to have happiness. It makes me feel better to know that there is a such thing as "having it all together". Not to say that no one has problems, I can give you people that deal with at least one of the issues I stated above but I can't tell you anyone that deals with all of them at the same time.
I made a pact with myself a few days ago that I wouln't burden my friends anymore with my problems. I would hide the things that I am dealing with and learn to keep them to myself. They deserve better than who I am right now. There was only one person I had decided to confide in, someone that I would hope would mentor me and bring me to a place of having it all together. But due to circumstances that I didn't know anything about.....that has been lost. So now what do I do? Who do I talk to now? Is it time to move on and find people that are more like me? More answers needed on this road of self discovery.
This blog is not meant to enlist any of the responses I know you have already formed in your head. I know those that are reading love me. I know that you care about me and want to help me. Believe me.......I know. But you can't relate and that is something you can't change. God has me broken and alone and I can't seem for the life of me figure out why. Hopefully that discovery will be coming soon.
I've never felt so alone before. I am surrounded by people who say they love me and are a daily part of my life....but yet I have never felt more alone than I have for the last couple of weeks. I have been on a road of discovery the last couple of weeks (I will be writing more about that in a later blog) and I have realized that I am different. Different than everyone else that are a part of my life. That is where the feeling of loneliness comes in. Me against the world. No one is like me. No one I know of deals with the crap that I am dealing with. Everyone else seem to have it all together. How many cry themselves to sleep at night because the loneliness is so bad that it feels like your heart is breaking in half. How many cry because they don't know when the next deal will close so they can pay the bills. How many cry because their son threatens to kill himself and don't know what to say to him because you have thought about doing the same. How many cry over a past that leaves scars so deep that although healing is wanted it can't be found. How many cry because a mother leaves awful messages on you phone and it re-opens wounds that you are desparetely trying to forget. How many cry because your youngest son now has to endure another possible broken marriage and you want to only protect him. All of this just within the last month.
No one understands what I am going through right now. Most of them live pretty happy fullfilled lives with good marriages, good jobs, happy children and they can't even begin to relate to me. Please believe me I am not bitter. I am extremely happy for all of them and pray for them to continue to have happiness. It makes me feel better to know that there is a such thing as "having it all together". Not to say that no one has problems, I can give you people that deal with at least one of the issues I stated above but I can't tell you anyone that deals with all of them at the same time.
I made a pact with myself a few days ago that I wouln't burden my friends anymore with my problems. I would hide the things that I am dealing with and learn to keep them to myself. They deserve better than who I am right now. There was only one person I had decided to confide in, someone that I would hope would mentor me and bring me to a place of having it all together. But due to circumstances that I didn't know anything about.....that has been lost. So now what do I do? Who do I talk to now? Is it time to move on and find people that are more like me? More answers needed on this road of self discovery.
This blog is not meant to enlist any of the responses I know you have already formed in your head. I know those that are reading love me. I know that you care about me and want to help me. Believe me.......I know. But you can't relate and that is something you can't change. God has me broken and alone and I can't seem for the life of me figure out why. Hopefully that discovery will be coming soon.
posted by Sonya Terrell at
7:18 PM
3 Comments:
I hear your pain. I know that it looks like everyone around you has it all together ... but they don't ... know one really does. Some just know how to play it out better than others. I hurt with your loneliness and know what it is like to not be able to shut your mind off. We love you. We are still here ... we are not the boogie man ... call Lori ... she knows.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sonya, I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. I know you feel as though no one understands how you feel and that no one can relate to you, but there are others who have had similar pasts and felt the pain you have felt and know the deep dark hurts. I know in times like these when we have exhausted all of our resources with friends, the only one who can comfort us is our Lord. HE is the only one who can sustain. HE is the only one who can be our God. I pray this brings you comfort and pray that you know that it is God alone who sustains you and upholds you. Love you very much!
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