In Need of a Word

I wrote in an email to my pastor earlier this week that it seems like there is a brick wall between God and myself and my hands are bloody from beating on the wall trying to get to him. That may seem a bit dramatic to some of you but if you know me and my "I" personality you'll excuse the drama. I am a visual person and I always paint a picture for what I am feeling. I don't know why the wall is there. Did I put it there through some disobdience, some sin that I haven't confessed? I've read that sometimes God remains silent at times in our life so that we can learn to trust that he is still there even when we can't feel or hear him, so has he put up the wall to lead me to that knowledge?

All I know is this..I need a word. Some sort of answer to where I go from here. I haven't stopped praying for those answers even though at times I have wanted to. But I won't give up becuase his word tells me..."You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart" (Jerimah 29:13). I keep holding onto those words, seeking with everything I have and hoping he finds me open and ready for him to answer.

I am going through a growing stage, I know this, but the knowledge of this doesn't stop or lessen the growth pains. None of us like this stage, but we must endure the growth to become the person that God has destined us to be. (....You know, even as I sit here and make that point I wonder if I believe that or if I should just chalk it up to life stinks sometimes.) I'm tired and confused and need some answers from God, even if that answer is no.

I am at a low point and my dear friend Patrick has noticed this and he is hurting for me and wants to help but I am having a hard time opening up to him or anyone else. The only person I have been talking with about this is my pastor and that has all been through emails. I write about what bothers me so much better than talking about, it's therapy to me. Plus in some weird sense it gives me a feeling of being somewhat anonymous. So...that's why am writing this blog. I'm going to put some of the things I am struggling with up for prayers. I try and keep it as light as I can...not to heavy as I would fear I may scare you away.

1.) Financial. This is the lowest I have ever been in this area. I don't know what I'm going to do if the closing I have scheduled this week doesn't happen and there is a good chance it won't. There seems to be a lack of understanding by some of my friends as to why I could have myself in this mess since I seemed to do so well in the late summer and early fall. What they don't understand is that money doesn't last forever. I am not in a job that grants me a paycheck every other week and just doing good a few months doesn't always stretch to cover the months when I'm not doing so good. Security of money coming in regularly is NOT one of the better parts of this job I'm in.

2.) My older son. I don't know what to do here. I have tried so hard to get him to do better, to make better choices but it seems all to no avail. Just last Tuesday I spent awhile on the phone with him talking about Christ and what it takes to make it to Heaven. He seemed to listen and agreed that he should come to church more, but then last night he did something totally stupid that got him into a huge mess again. When will he learn? I can't handle all these messes he gets himself into anyomere. He needs to grow up.

3.) Mentality. This is a big one. Most who know me know that I suffer from depression at times and when I am in the middle of a period of this I tend to hide myself away from the world. I withdraw into myself and lose the ability to communicate too much on a social level. I have to force myself to be out of my cave and seek social interactions, as I did this weekend. I also look at every "molehill as a mountain". Focusing on the negative and beating myself up for doing that. A couple of people in my life have some understanding of this.

4.) A mentor. This is something I have been praying about for awhile. I am looking for someone that can take the lead in helping me reach my full potential. Let me stress how blessed I am that I have the people in my life that have helped me in my spiritual life many times but I am looking for something more in depth. Not sure what it is but I think I need someone older and lends themselves to more life experiences. I have so much to learn and I need someone that will push me and hold me accountable. I tend to still keep a little bit of myself from my friends and I need someone that I don't feel like I have to do that. Kind of like my therapist I had a few years ago, but I don't want to have to pay $135 per hour for it!

5.) Physical. I have been so tired lately. A lot of that is to do with the lack of good sleep. I haven't felt much like eating lately either, which I'm sure plays some part in the tiredness(I've lost 4 lbs, not a bad thing.). I need some energy.

6.) Job. See number 1.


So if you are bored and want something to do, pick one and pray for me. Any one will do, I need help in all of them.