January 1, 2008.....a new year. It's hard to believe. Over the last few days I have reflected back on 2007 and most of the memories are sad and I have to say I'm glad it's over! It was a hard year......the hardest I think I have ever been through. So many major changes, ones that I honestly didn't see coming or believed I would ever make. But there has been some good times in between the hard times and I'm thankful for that, or I don't think I would have made it through it!
2007 in review goes something like this:
Let's start with some of the major changes this year since both of them turned my world topsy turvy for awhile! I left a church that I was a member of for three and a half years. One that I was intricately involved in. One where I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It was my comfort zone a place up until the last four months of attending that I felt safe and at home. God had other plans and in June I left. It was a hard road for about three months visiting churches, trying to figure out where God wanted me.....although I have to say that I never doubted the road I was on. I was closer to him than ever before and I didn't care where it lead me. See.....He wanted me out of a building and a body that I had made my comfort zone and safe place and into
HIS arms of comfort and safety. He wanted me to Himself. I felt blessed to be wanted like that. Don't get me wrong there were times I missed the comfort of my past home, but I never once looked back.
Ahhhh.....now let's talk about the true place of faith He wanted to take me on and is still taking me! After almost five years of a Real Estate career, I left. I left with no other job, with no promise of another job. I felt the calling back in September but it took me a few weeks to put the calling into action (I have a habit of doing that)! I had confirmation after confirmation until one day out of the blue, I quit. Once again I was on a road I hadn't plan on being on and this time doubt crept in every chance it could....fear too. It has been the biggest battle of trust in God's provision and although things are financially spiraling out of control, I have food on the table and a roof over my head and for this I must be thankful. He has a plan and I'm trusting it's a good one.
With the major changes came hurt like I have never felt before. I was so deeply hurt by someone that at times I didn't know how to handle it and would often find myself in the closet crying out to God for relief. It was a physical ache inside my heart and I couldn't shake it for a long time. I told a friend that the hurt and pain it caused was worse than when I went through a divorce......because with the divorce I knew for a long time it was coming, but with this hurt I hadn't seen it coming at all. I still to this day don't know why they had to say the things they did or treated me the way they did. This was someone I trusted with everything I had. I know now I didn't deserve it although at first I thought I must have because there is no way they would have said it otherwise. I was also hurt when I finally had to realize that my value to some people was based on where I attended church and not on who I was as a person. Dealing with that was not fun. But once again God was calling me to Himself. Calling me to trust in Him first and everything else will follow.
I could go on and on with hurt caused by my own mother, people I used to work with, my ex-husband, my oldest son, but I not looking to write a novel and I don't want to send anyone off to la-la land! Just know that it's been a year of having broken dreams and more than once a broken heart.
There has been blessings this year, I don't want you to think I'm a drama queen with only bad news to report!
I found a great new church with a group of people that fits me and I fit them. There is such a level of maturity there and I count it a blessing to be a part of it. I am slowly getting involved, but most of all having fun while drawing closer to God!
I have made a lot of new friends some of them are as crazy I am and there has been so much laughter! As we sat together at our Christmas eve service I felt once again safe with this part of my life and I know God has great plans for our group. There has also been re-connection with old friends that have added a new layer of love and acceptance around my heart.
I now unofficially (still working out the details) have full custody of Nick. Although this produces huge joy in my life it is also a cause of pain. Pain that his father has chosen someone else over his own son and is willing to give him up. It was ultimately Nicks decision,,,,he said it was too negative and depressing at his dad's.....but his dad went along with it so easily. I know what it's like to have a parent choose their own selfishness over their own child and it pains me that Nick will have to experience it. I hope that I can bring something to his life that he will know that he is loved unconditionally. It will be good bringing him up full time in a Christian home, where God reigns!
I thought of titling this post "2007 in Review", but felt like the current title seemed more appropriate. I'm still standing tall despite a year of trusting like I have never trusted before. A year of extreme obedience even when I couldn't fathom the reason why! But most of all it's been a year of growth, a year of experiencing God in deeper ways. A year of finding what I am truly made of. A year of unparalleled strength and perserverence. A year of shedding old clothes of comfort and safety and donning clothes of trust, faith and patience.
So, I guess you could say it's been the best year of my life.
