Decision Day

Today I need to make a decision on something. I have placed it before God and asked for his guidance on what I should do. It's not something I want to do or will be easy to do, but will do if it is a must.

So if you have time today say a little pray for me that I will know God's voice seperate from my own and will make the right decision.

And.......before you mind goes off on what it could be let me assure you it has nothing to do with anyone else or the Church. It's personal.

Thanks for praying.

Just Enough Light

One day at a time. That's how I am living now. Not sure about tomorrow or the next day or next week or a year from now. I'm only sure of today March 16, 2007.

About two weeks ago something happened, something that changed me. I used to dream of the future. I thought I knew my purpose. I had a passion. But after the "incident", I picked myself up and I left a piece of me behind. I no longer know what is in my future....what it is that God has mapped out for me. I just know that whatever strength I have he gives me each morning and only enough for that day. It's not a bad thing. I think it's right where he wants me. Broken, humble, lost only looking to him for the needs of the day.

It's a new road for me....this taking it one day at a time. I am a planner, a dreamer of the future. It's not been hard though. I don't have the strength to plan or dream. Everyday I pray that he allows me to get through the day with as much faith as is needed. Each day I pray for guidance in a certain area of my life. If the answers come...good. If they don't....get up the next day and pray again.

Today, March 16, 2007 I pray that truth will be revealed to me. Confusion wraps itself around my mind and I want to dispel it and come to the truth.

Today, March 16, 2007 I pray that God allows me just enough light for today.

Just Enough Light

Sometimes only the step I'm on,
or the very next one ahead,
is all that is illuminated for me.
God gives just the amount of light I need
for the exact moment I need it.
At those times I walk in surrender to faith,
unable to see the future
and not fully comprehending the past.
And because it is God who has given me
what light I have,
I know I must reject the fear and
doubt that threatens to overtake me.
I must determine to be content where
I am, and allow God to get me where I
need to go.
I walk forward,
one step at a time,
fully trusting that
the light God sheds
is absolutely sufficient.


(taken from the book...Just Enough Light forr the Step I'm On, by Stormie Omartian)

Aloneness

I feel like I am living inside a glass box. I can see the world and the people in it but I am not a part of it. I am NOT on the outside looking in as the old saying goes, but it's more like I am on the inside looking out because I am stuck in the box and can't seem to get myself out.

I've never felt so alone before. I am surrounded by people who say they love me and are a daily part of my life....but yet I have never felt more alone than I have for the last couple of weeks. I have been on a road of discovery the last couple of weeks (I will be writing more about that in a later blog) and I have realized that I am different. Different than everyone else that are a part of my life. That is where the feeling of loneliness comes in. Me against the world. No one is like me. No one I know of deals with the crap that I am dealing with. Everyone else seem to have it all together. How many cry themselves to sleep at night because the loneliness is so bad that it feels like your heart is breaking in half. How many cry because they don't know when the next deal will close so they can pay the bills. How many cry because their son threatens to kill himself and don't know what to say to him because you have thought about doing the same. How many cry over a past that leaves scars so deep that although healing is wanted it can't be found. How many cry because a mother leaves awful messages on you phone and it re-opens wounds that you are desparetely trying to forget. How many cry because your youngest son now has to endure another possible broken marriage and you want to only protect him. All of this just within the last month.

No one understands what I am going through right now. Most of them live pretty happy fullfilled lives with good marriages, good jobs, happy children and they can't even begin to relate to me. Please believe me I am not bitter. I am extremely happy for all of them and pray for them to continue to have happiness. It makes me feel better to know that there is a such thing as "having it all together". Not to say that no one has problems, I can give you people that deal with at least one of the issues I stated above but I can't tell you anyone that deals with all of them at the same time.

I made a pact with myself a few days ago that I wouln't burden my friends anymore with my problems. I would hide the things that I am dealing with and learn to keep them to myself. They deserve better than who I am right now. There was only one person I had decided to confide in, someone that I would hope would mentor me and bring me to a place of having it all together. But due to circumstances that I didn't know anything about.....that has been lost. So now what do I do? Who do I talk to now? Is it time to move on and find people that are more like me? More answers needed on this road of self discovery.

This blog is not meant to enlist any of the responses I know you have already formed in your head. I know those that are reading love me. I know that you care about me and want to help me. Believe me.......I know. But you can't relate and that is something you can't change. God has me broken and alone and I can't seem for the life of me figure out why. Hopefully that discovery will be coming soon.